Self-appraisal club.

I thought it was only in Hyderabad. But after seeing it in a couple of other places as well, I have confirmed that human tendency to blow his own trumpet is constant all over. Yes, I am talking about the annoying life-size Flex banners that are up in the city and villages when there is an event or when there isn't. Obviously paid for by the subject or beneficiary of the banner, we see a lot of self-publicity. I am sure that this is what happens. The following are the most common features of a political or non political self-publicizing flex banners.

• If it is a Congress banner,First row left top to right top, you will see Sonia Gandhi, Late Dr. YSR, Manmohan Singh, Rahul Gandhi, Y S Jagan, Veerappa Moily,etc.
• This first row changes with the political party. This is customized accordingly
• Second Row, the man who sponsored the banner with HUGE mustaches standing or walking against a backdrop of 
• Temple if it is a religious occasion
• Lord Ganesha if its Ganesh Chaturti
• Durga Mata if it is Bonalu/Dussehra
• LION if there is no occasion....make it a GROWLING lion
• No matter who he is, his designation will always be, "Senior Leader"
• The subject or the main man to whom the banner dedicated is either one or many of the below
• is gesturing a 'Namaste' which means, 'I am here to screw your happiness.'
• is actually very dark and his face has been photoshopped to look fair as far as possible though he ends up looking like Sadashiv Amrapurkar to say the best. In most cases, photographs taken before 1994 only are used.
• is smiling and seems to be very happy as if he just had sex
• is holding a cell phone and speaking into it. ARRGGGH
• Slogans written on the banner piss me off more than anything else. A sample:
• After Dr. YSR passed away, a youth congress leader put up a huge hoarding and writes, "People's wish to see Jagan as CM." Hello. Which people? I never wished so.
• The best part of these banners are the two bottom rows where you have photographs of jobless drunk men who have one or many of the following
• You will find at least one of the these four names - Raju, Mallesh, Srinu and Yadagiri
• The youth will have hairstyles weirder than the barber shop catalog they used to have until 1993 with baby cutting, baba cutting and roman cutting as the three best options
• There will be 2 guys at least with long wrinkled hair tied into a pony tail and he is looking 15 degrees west
• There will be one guy with goggles on
• There will be a couple of guys whose photograph is featured only because he is the only one who would climb that tree and tie the banner
• Most of these last row guys look like pickpockets and chain-snatchers whose photographs are put up at Imlibun bus station and Secunderabad Railway Station

All said, why am I pissed?

• These banners block traffic visibility at some junctions
• These photographs spoil my mood, especially the last row guys. I wish to see Rachel Hurd Wood, Imogen Poots and January Jones, Not these ugly faces. 
• I would say it is a social responsibility not to get photographed  and subject others to barfing, indigestion and fleeting mental depression

In the larger interest of the happiness of the society, I think there should be a ban on such banners.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Papi Hills and Vizag trip, a short video.

Where were you?

We often come across people with low intelligence levels, no not the ones working at undeserving positions in MNCs, I mean the ones who actually have a little bit of a problem. While I empathize with them for the fact that because of no mistake of theirs they become like this, but at the same time, they tend to do and say things which drive you bonkers.

 

A cousin told me about a relative G who once fell from the first floor of his old home and since then, he had become mentally slow. In 1989, all relatives had gone for a marriage near Zaheerabad, a town on border of Karnataka and AP. It was winter and was colder than usual. A day before the marriage, they had lit up a fire and placed a huge urn for hot water. This urn was heating since 2 am. On the day of the marriage, when G woke up, he wanted to attend the nature's call and given the conditions of that village, one had to go outside into the open. G took water from the urn and left for the call at about 6.30 am. Proceedings began for the marriage which was at 10.30 am and people got busy. At 7.30, someone realized that G had not returned. They searched for him everywhere. At 7.45, they decided to go look for him. All uncles and aunts got worried and panic had spread.  In these circumstances, my uncle who was getting married, now started getting worried :P. At 8.20, they all started to go search for him. As they set their foot out, there he was. G had returned. Everyone scolded him for being away for such long in an alien territory. My uncle was happy that he had returned and the marriage would go on as decided. And more than that, they were keen on knowing what he did for two hours. So, one of the eldest family members got hold of him and scowled him for worrying everyone.He gave him a verbal thrashing first and then, he asked him the million dollar question, 

"Where have you been for so long? You went at 6.30 and now it is 8.30? What happened?"
He simply replied, "The water was very hot. I was waiting for it to get cold."

 

- Deepak Karamungikar

Words can't hide anything...

We've heard enough about words having their own life and you should choose them carefully, and so on. But, sometimes, words fail to hide the feelings rather, the usage of wrong words reveals everything. When the intentions in your mind are strong enough, you end up conveying what you want to, instead of what you wanted to hide. And this is because, they say, 93% of the communication is non-verbal. So, even when you don't say things, you end up saying them.


Back in 2005, a friend and I went to buy clothes at the Shoppers Stop Sale. We spotted another friend's sister with a guy at the store.  The chemistry between them suggested that something was surely going on between them. I didn't care a damn, but she didn't want us to know who he was and what was going on for obvious reasons.  As we saw them, she got a little worried and so did that guy. Very quickly, in a cover-up move, she said "Hi, this is my cousin, XXXX" and introduced me to that guy.  My cheeky friend quickly said, "Hi XXXX" and looked at her and said "Your brother looks exactly like you". Her face was watchable. He was pissed to the core and said, "I am a verrry distant relative." And then, she said, "Actually, my mother also knows him"
                                                  
                 
A friend told me about an incident at his B-School. There was this young professor in Economics who taught very well and was also young and good looking, in fact was quite handsome. One of the girls from his class got a little friendly with him and they were spotted together often at the canteen, library and so on. There was a buzz in the class about this and  all over, there were updates about them. There was a ten day break after the semester exams when almost everyone went home. The Monday when the classes resumed, the professor, neatly dressed was the first to take the class. He found that everybody was present in the class except his favorite girl student. He looked around the class carefully may be to search for her, and said, "So, where is everybody?"

- Deepak Karamungikar

Raavan: My views.

Raavan. The name itself had given rise to many expectation over the last few days. Today, it released and as promised to myself, I saw it on day 1. Let me make one thing clear to the people raving mad that there was no plot, please increase a digit in your IQ and understand that we all knew it was based on the epic Ramayana. Only thing you need to know is Abhishek bachhan is Beera, Aishwarya is Ragini and her husband is Dev played by Vikram. Govinda sucks as Sanjeevani Kumar i.e. Hanuman.  Now what remains is the treatment and of course the climax.

First of all, I bow to Maniratnam for choosing jaw-dropping shooting locations. It is not just about his imagination of how he wanted the locales to be, but greatness also lies in co-ordination with the cinematographer, Santosh Sivan in bringing to life what Maniratnam saw while writing the screenplay. Almost through out the entire movie, it was raining and the way every frame was captured is visibly the work of a thorough cognoscente. I personally recommend a Padma Vibhushan to be given to Mr. Santosh Sivan for his cinematography.

Abhishek Bachchan definitely has a screen presence, but this time, he wasn't able to create that impact and as the villain, he didn't scare me at all. He overdid a few scenes and that, to me, is the only low point of the film apart from Govinda. Aishwarya Rai is spotless. Also, Ravi Kissen is worth his salt any day. Priyamani looks fresh too. Vikram needs a special mention for that perfect police look. He, I'm sure will get some Bollywood offers after this one.Background music is mesmerizing and so are the songs. Picturization of songs was simply superb, especially the 'Kata Kata Bechara Bakra' song.

Raavan is a classy depiction of what goes on in a woman's mind when she is under captivity. Towards the end, you suddenly start liking Raavan. And full marks to Maniratnam for the way he has shot the last few scenes of the movie. Right from the scene where they are near a huge Lord Vishnu statue till the climax, I loved the flow.

Maniratnam has a master in portraying women and relationships. Whether it was Girija in Geetanjali, Revathi in Mounaragam or Manisha Koirala in Bombay and when it comes to relationships, Mammooty and Rajinikanth in Dalapathi, Revathi and Mohan in Mounaragam or the Abhishek - Aishwarya relationship in Guru, he has something different to offer. If you love drama, watch it for what happens between Beera and Ragini. The climax of the movie leaves you on an emotional high because at the end of it all, you are not sure which side you are on.

I enjoyed the movie. Definitely worth your time, attention and money. Watch it for the viuals. Avatar, thank you but we have something to beat you without computer graphics. And stars? forget it. If stars could rate a Maniratnam movie, you'd fall short of galaxies.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Spontaneity is a gift.

Spontaneity is a gift. There is no better feeling of triumph than giving someone an answer that will shut his mouth and stop uncouth blabbering. "mooh tod jawab" as they say in Hindi, it is an art. Some people simply excel at this art and are exceptionally gifted with an immaculate sense of timing. One of them is my brother Pushkar. Many years back, one day he was studying in the drawing room as usual and I was watching TV as usual. The cable TV guy came for collecting his money. My father came walking out into the drawing room reciting prayers. The cable guy, known for his poor demeanor and mannerlessness, looked at my father and asked me, "Yeh Tumhara baap hai kya?". My brother replied, "Nahi to kya tumhara baap hai kya?"

At a friend's wedding  reception back in 2004, a kid got greedy for more eggs. I was serving rice and sitting beside me, was another friend Imtiaz. The kid came back three times and took three eggs. A little embarrassed for the fourth egg, he brought his father along. His father said to Imtiaz, "Kya hai ki, mere bete ko Andey bahut pasand hai" To which, my friend replied, "Aap ghar mein ek murgi paal lo phir"

A few years back, we were eating Pani-puri when a drunk man arrived at the Thela and started abusing everyone. He wasn't even able to stand straight. He was prefixing the word "lau**" with everything and for everyone. Everyone was getting pissed with his Yeh kya hai lau**, Woh kya hai lau**, Pani de re lau**, Puri de re lau**, This lau**, that lau** and so on.  The very patient pani-puri wala said to him, "lau** sab ke paas rehta ji."

My dear friend and colleague Hubert is another gifted man. He narrated an incident from 1980s. Enter the Dragon had released in India. At SHALIMAR theater, he went along with a friend to watch a Karate movie for the first time. After the show was over and people started walking out of the theater, a fight broke out between two or three people. My friend Hubert said to his friend, "Yeh Dekha, dedh ghantey mein Bruce Lee"

- Deepak Karamungikar

Public Nuisance

The other day, I saw a man and his wife act very funny at Hyderabad Central. May be they enjoyed it, but this guy held her so closely by her waist that it made walking very difficult for her. It was weekday and the mall was relatively empty. Still, he held her so close as if one of the male mannequin was going to come to life to molest her. Anyway, I pity that woman. Later, I spotted them after watching the movie at PVR, he was still holding her, but the difference was she held him by his waist too. If you do this in Koti, Begum Bazaar or Ameerpet, you get booked for public nuisance and moral police will come running behind to bust your ass. But there, they call it Public Display of Affection.

Last Sunday I was on the terrace of my apartment for a resident's meeting. Since everyone was late, in the meanwhile I was looking around. I saw a newly married woman drying clothes on a neighboring building's terrace. Even as children were playing, her husband quickly came from behind and bent a little and lifted his wife up in the air like Jeetendra did to Jayaprada and rotated around his own axis. God, so much for libido? But dude, it was pathetic on your part.

If you go to Anand Bhavan or any Udipi restaurant early in the morning you will see couples sitting on a remote table, both facing the wall and she is leaning on his shoulder and he is feeding her idly and she is complaining about the Sambar and usually one or both are crying and they hug each other as the old cashier enjoys every bit of this voyeuristic show. The other day, another newly married couple came and the guy didn't realize there was a mirror behind him. My very chichora friend quickly pointed out that he was pinching her waist and she was trying to control not to show her almost orgasmic face. Guys, we don't have a problem. But, is there a need to sit bum to bum when there are normal people walking in and out of the restaurant and also there are about a dozen vacant tables?

 

These young college couples also irritate me for more reasons than one. At Anand theater, a guy pulled his girlfriends cheeks so hard that she cried and then he had to hug her in front of everyone. One of the streets-mart front-row ticket wala spat Gutkha and commented, "Ustad, idhar aur ek picture shuru hori" and his equally screwed up friend smiled to display relics of twelve of his remaining teeth.  

 

And girl, why the fuck do you have to insert 1/3rd of yourself into your boyfriend's ass and display your lower undergarments to the public while he is driving his yellow bike? While I agree we are all modern now, India still has a culture. I am not here to defend the culture either. I just want you to understand that there's a thin red line between being modern and being a dumb-fuck.  

- Deepak Karamungikar

English Experts

I am not insulting those who can't speak English. Neither am I making fun of them. There are people who screw up because of false pride. Pretentiousness while speaking English is bound to land you in trouble. When you don't know, admit that you don't. Why unnecessarily become a  butt of public jokes?. A few incidents I wanted to share -

•  While at college, a friend looked at another one in the balcony of the first floor and said, "Wait, I am coming up!". What the fuck? Are you the next scheduled programme after Agle Janam Mohe bitiya hi keejo? on Zee TV?
• At college, we had a triple post-graduate faculty teaching a senior batch. A highly enthusiastic student asked, "Madam, in layman's words, can you describe what is management?". Our faculty replied, "See ma, many great thinkers have given many different definitions, but I don't know what Mr. Layman gave".  That's why they say don't do an MBA at any B School.
• While teaching students an an entrance exam coaching institute, I asked, "If a south paw is a left-hander, what do you call one who uses both hands efficiently?" A boy replied, "Bothpaw." F*** my life.
• At a GK basics class to MBA aspirants, I was teaching 'Advertising punchlines'. I asked  "Can you give me an example of a punchline?" A student with a belt buckle as big as a 11 inch laptop replied, "Pehle istemaal karein, phir vishwas karen". I said, "In English my friend," He replied, "First use, then do vishwas." 
• I have seen people improve from nowhere. One of them is me. But, there are some people too self-centered to listen and too proud to learn. There was a IT faculty in my MBA days who lost his way while speaking English and used to quickly manage to fill in something incoherent. Here are a few of his landmark remarks
• The main function of the router is to route.
• Two data packets collide at a middle point of time.
• As well as, if the this.
• Most probably if you try to look at, this particular this thing is very good for this thing.
• If you cannot store it in a floppy, then you may have do to it in a godown.
• Slowly slowly, the data becomes more and more morer. 
• If you push, it will pop.
• If you try to look at an instrument called, idly cooker cooker
• The summary of Ramayana is stealing another man's wife 

- Deepak Karamungikar

13 Steps to produce a TV reality show.

13 easy steps to produce a TV reality show.

• Pick one - Singing / Dancing /copy anything from USA TV
• Pick a host - Someone who can smile better than Katrina and can expose
• Pick Idea/Airtel/Vodafone/anyone else as mobile partner for mobile voting. Every SMS viewer sends is Rs.3 , lakhs of such SMSes =  crores of rupees. You make half your money there
• Pick 3 judges - 
• One of them should be a  failed-in-mainstream industry but has a Blood Pressure and Hypertension problem (He needs to get angry you know.) and has a weird hair-do or a beard and everyone hails him as the 'MASTER'
• One should be too-old-to-get-any-work type and silent, laid back,types but in one episode somewhere he should get angry
• One should be dumb with an IQ equivalent to that of David Dhawan so that he/she can irritate the first guy and they fight and he gets pissed off and this runs into two episodes
• Conduct a preliminary round across India and include the following
• Get one poor girl from slums to perform
• Get a physically handicapped person to perform
• Both of the above should cry at the end of the performance
• Abuse a few contestants for breaking a rule and make them angry. They should get pissed to the core and record their outburst and telecast it with beep sound wherever necessary and upload the uncensored version on youtube under the pseudonym 'Monty_212coolguy'
• Include Mothers Day Special, Fathers Day special, Diwali Special, Valentines Day special episodes and kill them with overdose of emotion in the post performance speech and ensure you  make the host, judges, contestants and viewers cry.  (WTF?)
• Conduct NINE semi-finals over NINETEEN weeks and in the meanwhile make as much money as possible on advertising
• All participants MUST touch the feet of EVERY judge
• One or many of them MUST wear goggles
• Use terminology like, "DANGER ZONE", "SAFETY ZONE", "GREEN ZONE" and more shit like that and make the terminology so famous that the B Com-fail girls sit on their balconies and discuss, "Haaawwwww, she is in danger zone....reyy"
• Don't forget to invite Vinod Kambli, Akshay Kumar, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, Sanjay Dutt or what's her name....Ranbir Kapoor or whoever's movie is releasing that week so they you get some money from them as well and they promote their films
• Make one person the WINNER and the next year he ends up hosting IPL Extra Innings alongside Mandira 'My-IQ Score-is-a-proper-fraction' Bedi.

- Deepak Karamungikar
 

The Scientist

Back in 1998, I was an IIT aspirant (ended up doing a very shady B. Sc.). I was highly interested in intellectual stuff and believed that uncombed hair and thick glasses make people look very intelligent. I only had the desire but made no effort to get anywhere close to becoming an engineer. I chose a college far away from my place that was famous for 10+2 and IIT Integrated coaching. I commuted by State Transport bus, mostly 3, 3H, 3K etc. In those days, anything related to mechanical engineering made me very interested, especially Physics. I never solved a single problem in Physics but as I said, it was just a superficial desire to look 'intelligent'. 

One day while I was returning home in 3H,  I saw a man get into the bus at the entrance of OU campus. He had unkempt hair, eight day old beard and thick glasses. He wore decent clothes. All the criteria of looking scholarly were met and instantly, I thought he was a scientist or some technology geek. Being an extrovert, I wanted to strike a conversation with him. I noticed that he took out his note book and every few seconds, made some notes and counted something on his fingers. 

He wore thick glasses and had eyes were almost popping out. He looked to be atleast 30 years old and had an old tattered 'Genius' branded notebook with him, in which he took notes every now and then. He sat diagonally opposite to me and once his neighboring seat got vacated, I occupied it. I said to him, "HI, I am Deepak.", "Hello," he replied with a smile. "Are you a Scientist?" I asked to which he replied, "Kind of. Yes.". My heart started beating faster. I felt like I have found a treasure of wisdom. Then, I asked him, "Are you from IIT?", "Yes. I am from IIT, Chennai." "WOW" I thought and didn't know what to ask him. But managed to ask him, 

"So, where do you work?" as I took out the Numerical Problems in Physics by I E Irodov book to impress him.

"I'm into fluid mechanics," he replied.

"I work at MIT," he said. 

"Why are you here, in this bus?" I asked.

"I am in Hyderabad for a project. Will get back in three months," he said.

I knew MIT was the IIT of USA. I was totally impressed with him. Then, he looked at the book I had on my lap and started smiling. "This IRODOV is child's play. Silly book. Very easy." I felt annoyed because, at that time, and even till today, I haven't understood anything beyond the first problem which is about a motorboat racing in a stream of water. But I was feeling glad that I have found a Guru in Physics. 

Then, I said, "This is easy? Then you must be a really great scientist" To which, he replied "Not too great...there's lots to achieve..". And then, he began to tell me about a lot of things that he had seen in MIT, in the USA, at IIT when he was here and how they conduct experiments and so on. 90% of the things he told me were incomprehensible.  He mixed Telugu and English  and spoke. One stop before ECIL X Road, he got down handing me over his land line telephone number. I went back home and was still under the impact of a high intensity dose of Physics. The next day I called him, but the number didn't work. I tried multiple times after that but couldn't get through to him. 

A few months later, I created my first E-mail id with rediffmail. It was at a cybercafe in A S Rao Nagar. After spending about 20 minutes online, I looked around to find the same bearded man. I didn't want to miss this opportunity and hence, at one, went to him and said, "Hi, I'm Deepak, remember we met in the bus the other day?" To which, he looked at me keenly and said, "Well, yeah! How are you?" 

 "I'm fine, How are you?" he said.

 "I'm doing good. Thanks." I replied and wanted to speak to him more on IIT preparation although I had lost the zeal by then. 

I found the same notebook on the desk as its pages fluttered. I didn't know why he hurried up so much after seeing me. He quickly closed the book and looked at me. He started sweating for no reason. He called the cybercafe administrator and handed him Twenty rupees and then he left saying, "I have to go to my lab urgently and left." 

Even I shrugged it off and returned to my place. When I saw his desk again, I found that he had forgotten his notebook. I thought I had found the most sacred texts in Physics. I slowly reached out for the book and a card fell off it. Since I was more keen on the book, I turned the first two pages and found the words, No of speed-breakers in Osmania Universiry - one, two, three, four, five, six, etc....that day he was counting the number of speed breakers on OU campus.

What fell from the book was his ID card with photograph. It read, " XXXXXX Babu. B Com (Telugu medium) Dr. BR Ambedkar Open University,". I saw that he had kept the Netscape Navigator window open on the PC. When I opened the window, the address bar displayed, www.desibaba.com.

In two minutes, he returned and started looking for his book. I was so annoyed that I ignored him and what's the point in blaming him for my stupidity? As I continued to ignore him, he looked at me and said, "I forgot my notebook. I am glad I found it. Very important information I just took down from the MIT's website."

I just smiled to see him off. I never saw him again. This was a lesson for me. I never trust looks anymore. Also, this is the first time I am narrating this incident to anyone. 12 years later, I still smile at myself for my nincompoopery. But then, I learned a lesson for life. Looks kill, they kill your wisdom.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Infinite Stupidity

Some people have the habit of talking out of context and out of turn. And when they do, they make a mockery of themselves. I have known a few people who have said something that's irrelevant and as out of context as Kangna Ranaut in a Martin Scorsese movie. Let me narrate three incidents where people have said things which they aren't supposed to, but the lack of common sense coupled with a bad sense of context has resulted in disasters.

Incident 1: I had a friend, let's name him S. He considered himself the greatest cricket fan on earth. He has all qualities I have mentioned in the first paragraph. One day in 1997, there was a match going on between India and Sri Lanka . S lived about 200 steps away from my old home. That day, at about 4.00 pm, I had just returned from school and was watching cricket on our B/W TV. S arrived at my place with a disappointed face and as he opened the gate, in a loud voice, he asked me, "What is the score?" I replied, "22 for 3". Then he said, "I just saw it was 21 for 2". I said, "Arey, Rahul Dravid just got out." And the reply he gave left me speechless. He said, "How can he get out without my knowledge?" (నాకు తెలవకుండా ఎట్లా అవుట్ అయ్యిండు ?)

Incident 2: There's a marketing expert with two decades of experience, one of my relatives. He is the only one who can speak English in his entire family history and hence, he is internally considered God. Reality comes to light when you speak to him. Anyway, lets call him D.  In 1992, One day D's grandmother passed away and they wanted a death certificate from a doctor so that the last rites could be performed at the cemetery. Unluckily that day, it was some holiday and it was tough to get a doctor who could certify the old lady dead. So they ventured out on a scooter scouting for an open clinic. Another of my distant cousin went along with him and they found one clinic open somewhere inside Secunderabad and that night, there was a power cut. Looking at the red-cross, they entered and explained the situation to the doctor inside, an elderly man. After listening to them, he politely said, "Since there is no power, you may have not read it outside, but I am a veterinary doctor." To which, dynamic D replied, "Sir, a doctor is a doctor,  charge how much you want to . But please give us the certificate."

Incident 3 The same man in Incident 2, the next day, with the same cousin of mine, went to purchase the articles required for cremation like an earthen pot, rope, bamboos, dry grass, etc. In Secunderabad, there are shops which exclusively sell these articles. You just have to tell them the caste of the deceased and they give you everything that is needed for the last journey of the departed. When they went there, they told them the caste and the helper in that shop started packing the articles one after the other. Once the bundle was ready, he told them the bill was some X amount of Rupees. This man, D the great, started bargaining for a discount and used cheap marketing lingo much to the embarrassment of my cousin. The shopkeeper didn't say a word but his expression said it all. Pitying him, he rounded off the bill to the nearest hundred. Still, D insisted on a further discount and haggled as if he was buying underwear near Charminar. In this process, he uttered a sentence which is the epitome of idiocy across the universe. He said, "Please reduce the price. Next time we will buy from you only."

- Deepak Karamungikar

Cricket Vs Corporate

1. What is 'corridor of uncertainty' in your office?  
A: It is that part of the corridor where your boss can see you from his cabin while you are trying to push off at 5.00 pm.

2. What is a 'Free Hit'?
A: 'Free Hit' is the day on which your boss is on leave and his phone is switched off.


3. What is a 'Sweet Spot'?
A: Sweet Spot is that place on the office floor from where that cute girl is clearly visible. (At this place you usually find a CH***YA sitting)


4. What is a 'Yorker'?
A: Yorker is that explanation seeking mail you receive from your client for which you have no answer and your boss is on cc.


5. What is 'Super-over'?
A: Super-over is that extra hour when the meeting gets extended for the want of Samosas.


6. What is 'Hawk-Eye'?
A: It is that slave of the CEO who sees everything that's happening and reports word by word even if you fart, sneeze, etc.


7. Who is 'Ajit Agarkar'?
A: He is the management recommended candidate who adds no value to the company and is a part of every meeting.

8. What is 'Caught Behind'?

A: While at the coffee machine, you crib about your boss to a colleague and hurl abuses and he listens to you from behind.

9. What is run-out?

A: You run to catch the elevator in time to avoid the most irritating boring manager but you end up being victimized early in the morning.

10. Who is Dinesh Karthik?

A: He was in Satyam last year.

First Love...

Among all the things in this universe, there is nothing as beautiful as first love. Back in the 1990s, guys used to walk five kilometers just to get a glimpse of his girl. And when he got to see her, he would have no words to describe the elation. Luckily if she looked at him and smiled, then that's it, he would stay awake all night thanking his stars. Poetry would flow out of his heart and there would be a diary where he would write couplets and later show it to her. That diary also would have many dairy milk chocolate wrappers they ate together along including the gold foil, the first greeting card she gave, a strand of her hair and her signature on every page so on.

It is difficult to describe how it felt walking in serene colonies bunking tuition, often holding  hands. A look into her sparkling eyes in that moonlight was enough to  bring him down to his knees and a longer look, enough to drown him. That feeling lasted for a week, sometimes longer. And it's not about getting physical. Just holding hands would take you a long way into another world, into ecstasy. Long discussions about these feelings with best pals amplified the warmth in the heart. There were no cellphones, just landlines which he would speak only when the girl picked up and when her dad picked up, he would make up a story. In most cases, there wasn't even a phone. 

Somehow he would get lucky and get to befriend her neighbor and from his terrace, he would observe her home and wait for her to come on her terrace. And when she does, she is with her sister or her mother and ignores him. But when they're going back downstairs, she looks at him and very secretly waves at him and he smiles like never before. He waits for her at the bus stop and ask her to come earlier than usual. Just before getting into the bus, she turns and looks at him and smiles and for him, officially, the day is over.

The worst part was the Summer Holidays when she would go to her native village or grandmother's place and he counts every minute that passes and awaits Earth's axis to tilt back. And there, she has a cousin with whom she would share his story and one day  during that vacation, she would call him on the land line from a PCO and he gets to speak to her for three minutes. Those three minutes would whiz past him but still a smile would spring up giving him enough of what he needed - her.

Things go on until destiny takes over and if he's lucky, he gets to live with her. If he isn't lucky enough, some space in his heart gets rented out to her memories forever. As time passes by, memories become blurred, but her name will still remain his password. 

- Deepak Karamungikar

Nose-poking Inc.

You often have people interfering in your work. But sometimes they are so interested in what you do that it frustrates you. There are people, specially from the non-strategic departments (Almost everyone except Sales and Marketing guys) of your company whose day begins ends and mostly comprises of wandering around the facility like an aimless street dog wagging its tail and bark at almost anything that moves.

 

He is the personification of the MBWA - Management By Wandering Around, its just that the M here stands for Mindfu**ing. He is highly interested in what everyone does and has an opinion on anything. I'm sure at your workplace, there is the one who takes a forty-five minute coffee break which includes peeping into every desktop monitor he can, intrude into people's privacy and say things like, "So, what's happening," and "Sirjee, aur kya haal hai," and while he says this, he is keenly observing what all windows are open on your screen. And if he finds any of those interesting, a highly insipid savor-less conversation begins. 

Even if you don't have anything interesting, he will pull the nearest chair and sit with his hands folded behind his head and exposing his sweat soaked armpits. What follows next is a couple of tasteless jokes to which he alone laughs till there are tears and you are forced to smile. This is the time you wished your phone rang or someone comes looking for you or him.

Self-proclaimed expertise in all departments of the company makes him a favorite i-have-no-work-let's-goto-him-for-timepass-wink-wink enterprise edition asshole. At lunch, when you are busy discussing something with your buddy, he will join your table, enter into the discussion uninvited like  an irritating relative and ask what's wrong and provides instant solutions for all problems you face. You feel trapped , yet you can't leave because the corporate slave in you doesn't allow you to disrespect him and you stay there and listen to the pearls of wisdom and praise him for his expertise. 

- Deepak Karamungikar

Idiots guide to be 'POSH'

To be counted as a 'posh' and 'upmarket' guy or a girl, just follow this easy 18 step process. 

• Say 'Seeeeriously....' whenever someone says something and you want to agree
• Say 'I Sweaaaar....' with a nod of the head if you more than agree
• Pretend you are riding a pillion for the first time on a bike
• Don't remove that airport check-in tag from your bag even ten days after that flight
• Pretend you don't know Hindi when speaking to Auto wallah
• Wear Goggles until you reach your desk inside the office even if it is 100 mts from the main entrance
• Keep a stock market related website open in one window and pass comments like, "The market is screwed today" and frown and have a disappointed expression
• Intrude into all discussions related to cars and say things like, "Thats an MPFI engine dude, it is.."
• Pretend you are a Rock Music fan and wear a Metallica T-shit to work on Fridays 
• Grow a French beard
• Say 'Wooo...' when something good happens
• Say "Awe freakin some" when you have to say Awesome
• Say 'Mobeel' when you have to say Mobile
• Say 'Text' when you have to say SMS
• Say 'flash drive' when you have to say 'pen drive'
• Say 'buzz off' when you have to say 'f*** off'
• Don't eat your original capacity in public, maintain restraint, i know it's difficult for you
• Crack that joke you read in 'Readers Digest' at the barber shop. Look around to see if there's no duplication of audience and crack it again at the cafeteria

- Deepak Karamungikar

Talking Dolls (Double Click on the image.)

Attention Grabbing

Attention grabbing is a lousy character trait. Some people are simply experts at it. You get to see people behave differently under different circumstances. They make funny noises and try to become popular. This is how I thought people behave differently.

• In a train/bus: If you have a group of teenage girls sitting around you in the train, you had it. There will be discussions like, "I think Terrance dances so well, that sweep scoop skeep step that he does is simply awesome!" and then the others reply, "Yeah!" and when there's a talk about a over zealous participant in a reality show, they all in chorus, say "How cuuuuuuuute". There will be discussions on "Agale janam mohe bitiya hi keejo" and so on. By the time they sleep, your station would have arrived.

• In a supermarket: Pot bellied men regardless of their age, wear a 40 waist size jeans and speak to their wife and kids in English. They will say things like, "What are you doing rey BETA, No rey BETA, Don't buy that rey BETA," etc. in a voice so loud that it can break a 2 mm thick glass. He addresses his wife saying, "Gullu, what ra, what is this, I told you no ra." This noise is maximum when poeple are around and suddenly when he comes out, you see him speak in Telugu/Tamil/Hindi/etc. and he takes out a Gutkha packet from his packet and eats it. 

•   In office: Let's call them slaves. When the boss enters the main door, their volume rises. "I have sent you that e-mail, have you checked it?" and when the other person asks, "Which mail?", He calmly sits down back into his place because the boss isn't listening. At the cafeteria, when the boss is sitting two tables away, he has things to say like, "I think this product will do wonders for our company", "We have some amazing initiatives coming up." or if it is an IT company, he will discuss Java code and how to apply on some shady application.     

• At marriages: We all have aunts who speak louder than a chines mobile phone's speaker and make a fuss about everything. Especially at marriages, they say things like, "Nobody cared for us," "Only this much?","There is no fan", "No salt in Sambar" and so on. There are some uncles who say similar things like, "What bloody arrangement, nothing they did," etc. And then there is the footnote, "In my son's marriage, they gave everyone something. They arranged for cars, they took good care, etc." Then suddenly, he is given the charge of managing the proceedings and is ultimately responsible for life-long memories of conflicts on that day.
  
  
  
  - Deepak Karamungikar

Tele and SMS marketing.

Tele-marketers are a real pain in the ass. Until recently they were considered acceptable yet irritating. But now, they have become unbearable because except Chat Bhandars and Pan Shops, every company does Tele Marketing. They call at the wrongest of the hours and occasions and rob you of your mental peace faster than Arnab Goswami. The other day I was watching a movie with a friend and I got a call offering me open plots at a place 60 kms away from Hyderabad. I bargained for Rs. 5 a square yard and then she had to hang up.
Insurance and credit cards selling women on telephone have a style of their own. Let's see what are the most frequently used lines they use and what they actually mean

• We're offering a life-time free credit card - (We want to screw you for life)
• This is regarding wealth management - (Lose your money in three easy steps) 
• This is regarding Financial Planning - (We're here to confuse you)
• You are a valuable customer - (We aren't done squeezing you yet)
• We are offering personal loans - (Slavery on offer for limited period. Interested?)
• We have some exciting insurance products - (Exciting insurance products is like saying Masculine Ranbir Kapoor)
• Would you be interested in investment opportunities? - (Do you hate money?)
• Do you own any credit card? ( Aren't you in deep shit already?)

Marketing Monkeys all over India think that anything can be sold by tele-calling. Insurance, Banking, Real Estate is still ok. Here is a list of things that are being sold today and make absolutely no sense at all.

• 'Bachpan' play school lady called me in the afternoon and asked, "Do you have children from 3 to 7 yrs old who need admission in a playschool?". I said, "No. My daughter is 5 months old.", She said, "Ok sir, I will call you after two years." WTF?
• Hetero Pharmacy lady called me and asked, "Do you need any medicines?" (WHY THE F*** should anyone need medicines and you're calling me to sell medicines?) Kill that marketing joker.
• Weight loss packages sold on phone, "Are you fit enough?", I wanted to say, "Ask your sister." (apologies, but couldn't help writing this one)

Another dumb thing invented is SMSes marketing. Some of the dumbest SMSes I got are.

• Unhappy? Worried? Make new friends (Thank you, I have enough friends. Why don't you honestly say 'Meet new f*** buddies')
• Free UK Visa. Study in UK. Spot Admissions (Not interested in begging abroad.)
• MBA from Sikkim Manipal University (Another MBA? Thank you. Already ruined once. No way.)
• Buy one meduim pizza, get one cock free, Buy one large pizza, gat two cocks free. (Pizza Den, you need English Guru)
• Good news, beat the recession, HDFC offers personal loans....(How can you best the recession with a personal loan? It is like saying eat Masala Dosa and get a high. Assholes.)
• Your phone no was chosen for a $ 234,999,000 reward. (Nigerian Scam now on GSM and CDMA)

- Deepak Karamungikar

తెలుగు న్యూస్ చానల్స్, మనకు అవసరమా?

కొన్ని సంవత్సరాల క్రితం, వార్తలు అంటే దూరదర్శన్ 8 లో  సాయింత్రం ఏడు గంటలకు వచ్చీ కొన్ని జాతీయ మరియు అంతర్జాతీయ స్థాయి లో జరిగిన ముఖ్య ఘటనలు, క్రీడా రంగ వార్తలు మరియు వాతావరణ పరిస్తితి మాత్రమే. కాని ఈ రోజు వార్తలు అనే పదానికి అర్థం వేరు. డబ్బున్న ప్రతి సంస్థ లేదా వ్యక్తీ ఒక వార్తలు మాత్రం ప్రసారం చేసే చానెల్స స్థాపించడం తో ఇవాళ మనమందరం అనవసరమైన మానసిక ప్రభావానికి గురి అవుతున్నాం. 

బ్రేకింగ్ న్యూస్ పేరు తో మనందరినీ వెర్రి వాళ్ళని చేస్తున్న ఈ న్యూస్ చానల్స్ ని మనం ఖండించాల్సిన అవసరం ఎంతో ఉంది. ఎవరైనా సెల్ల్ఫోన్ స్థంబం ఎక్కినా, ఎ ఇంట్లో దొంగతనం అయినా, ఎవరో ఎవరినో తిట్టినా, ఎండ ఎక్కువగా ఉన్నా, ఎండ తక్కువగ ఉన్నా, వర్షం పడినా, వర్షం పదకపొఇనా ,కుక్క మొరిగినా, ఏదో సినిమా హీరో ఎవరినో ఏదో అన్నా, ఆవు ఇడ్లీ తిన్నా, కుక్కలు వెంట పడినా అసలు ఈలంటివి ఏదైనా జరిగినా, అవి వార్తలు అని సమర్పిస్తారు. వాళ్లకు చుపిచడానికి మతి లేదు అని అనుకోవచ్చు, కాని చూడడానికి మనకు బుద్ధి లేదా?

ఏదైనా హింసాత్మక  ఘటన జరిగితే , రక్తం, పోట్లాటలు, మల్ల యుద్ధాలు మళ్లీ మళ్లీ చూపిస్తారు. ఎందుకు? గత వారం జరిగిన ఒక సంఘటన లో ఒక ప్రముఖ వ్యక్తీ, నిస్సంకోచంగా బండ బూతులు తిడితే సాయింత్రం వరకు అదీ చూపెట్టారు. ఆవిడ తిట్టింది ఒక్కసారే కాని మనం అనుకుంది వేయి సార్లు. నిన్న ఎవరో ఆసిడ్ దాడి కి గురి అయినా ఒక అమ్మాయి కాలి పోయిన ముఖం TV స్క్రీన్ అంత కనిపించే లా జూమ్ చేయడం అవసరమా?.  ఎ రకంగా ఈ న్యూస్ చానల్స్ మన ఆలోచన పైన ప్రభావం చూపుతాయో ఒక్క సారి మనం ఆలోచించాలి.  చానల్స్ ఒక వ్యాపారం. వాళ్ళు చుపిచేవి వార్తలు కావు, అవసరమైనవి అసలే కావు. మరి అవి ఏంటి? అనవసరంగా మనందరిని మానసిక విస్మయానికి గురి చేసి, ఎ కారణం లేకుండా దిగులు పడేలా, ఒక మత్తుని అలవాటు చేస్తున్నారు. దురదృష్టకరమైన విషయం ఏంటి అంటే మనము ఆ మత్తు కి ప్రతి రోజు అలవాటు పడుతున్నాం. ఈ మత్తు మన మెదడు వరకు చేరే ముందే మనం దీనిని బహిష్కరించే అవసరం మనకు ఎంతో ఉంది.

  

ఇస్రేల్ లో 200 మంది  బాంబు పేలి  చనిపోయినా, అక్కడి మీడియా ఆ వార్త ని ఒక చిన్న విషయం లా భావించి, ఎన్నో మంచి వార్తల మధ్యలో అస్సలు ప్రాధాన్యం ఇవ్వకుండా ప్రసారం చేస్తుంది. ఇదీ మనమందరం ఇస్రేల్ దెగ్గర నేర్చుకోవాల్సిన విషయాల్లో ఒక చాలా  ముఖ్యమైన విషయం. ఆనందం, ఉల్లాసం, మంచి ఫలితాలు, సాఫల్యం, ప్రోత్సాహం, స్ఫూర్తి ని ఇచ్చే న్యూస్ చానల్స్ ఇవాళ మనందరిని మనస్తాపానికి గురి చేస్తున్నాయి. చనిపోయిన బిడ్డ శవం ఇంకా వల్లకాటు కి చేరదు  కాని TV రిపోర్టర్ కెమెరామన్ తో పాటు ఆ ఇంటికి చేరుకుంటాడు. ఏడిచే ఆ అమ్మని ఓదార్చే సమయంలో తన స్పందన ఎలా ఉంది అని అడుగుతాడు. ఒక MLA ని చంపిన వ్యక్తీ ఇంటర్వ్యూ అర గంట చూపిస్తారు.  'ఫ్రీడం అఫ్ ప్రెస్' పేరుతొ మన అందరి ఆలోచనల పై విషం చల్లి, మనఅందరిని అనవసరంగా మనస్తాపానికి గురి చేస్తారు. 

ఈ న్యూస్ చానల్స్ ని నేను అడిగీ ప్రశ్న ఒక్కటే, "ఉద్రిక్తం", "విషాదం", "ఘోరం", "నేరం", "స్పందన", అనే పదాలు వాడకుండా ఒక్క రోజైనా వార్తలు చెప్పగలరా?

- దీపక్ కారముంగికర్ 
నా మాతృ భాష మరాఠీ. ఇది తెలుగు లో నా మొదటి బ్లాగ్ పోస్ట్. తప్పులు ఏమైనా ఉంటె క్షమించండి :-)

Modified Cars

Modified car owners have no taste. I say this for the following reasons 

• I pity you for wasting your father's money on spoiling the beauty of your car by re-painting it in multicolored stripes and designs and making it look like a wall painted by drunk rebels in South East Asia. 
• Those stickers and Shaolin messages which neither you understand nor do others understand, look like graffiti on the inside of public lavatory doors. 
• In fact, stickers like McLaren, West, etc. make your car look like the ones they use for selling  home made pickles with flex banners carrying the owner's portrait
• The spoiler behind your car is just like an old aluminum antenna  which we all used until 1995 to get DD2.  
• What irritates me the most is the captions you write behind your car using cheap radium stickers. Some of the your clan's captions have rendered me speechless
• Yes, It's my Dad's road - WTF
• I'm not driving fast, I am flying low - WTF
• Catch me if you can - (Why the F*** should anyone catch you?)
• Mom says, no girls - (You won't get any, anyway)
• Yamaraj on drive - (If you drive this way, you'll meet him soon anyway)
• Drive carefully, because I am careless - (Oh Wow)
• Ghost Rider - (how true, you look like a ghost anyway)
• New world order - (NWO doesn't mean screwing up your car, so please..)
• Ride it like you stole it - (In Hyderabad, you get caught in Punjagutta traffic anyway) 
• And Hello, in Hyderabad, there's fog only for 3 days in a year. So remove those fog lamps and put them up in your brain to enhance clarity.
• Those two wide white stripes on your car from bonnet to dickey make the car look like the sides of track pants which fat men wear to gym.
• The sub-woofer you bought at Jummeraat Bazaar in which you play Hip Hop can get seized by the cops any day.
• That H on the roof of your car doesn't signify Helipad. It stands for, "HOWLA"

- Deepak Karamungikar