Observations, here and there... Corporate White Elephants

I'm sure everyone who's working has come across that lazy sycophantic character in your office who doesn't contribute to the organization in any way. Like a ruminating buffallo under the tree, he will sit under the a/c checking out what's latest. Yet, on the company's website, his name is prefixed with ironical adjectives like dynamic, highly potent, pioneer, vastly experienced and so on. This character is likely to be in his late forties and the entire office respects (read curses) him. A trained parrot of the company's board, he is obsessed with one of his projects he led before the Iraq War and cites the same examples in every meeting. 

His day begins in the parking lot when he bumps into one of his colleagues and the one-sided chat about how his son spilled ice-cream on his school uniform begins. Once inside his cabin, tea is supplied to his table unlike other mortals who have to go to the vending machine. His monitor and his back are always facing the wall because no one should be able to see him chat or see him read the Telugu newspaper online. He calls it 'Vaastu'. 

He will wear the most crisply ironed shirts and if you praise it, he will reply, "My wife gifted it to me,"  and follows it with a joke which is retarded even by Sajid Khan's standards. He has a separate printer installed in his cabin as a privilege owing to his designation. But, it is so because no one else should be able to see the train/flight/movie tickets he prints in color. By mistake if you go inside his cabin to use this printer, you will have to forcibly watch those 208 photographs of his son or daughter. That will be the only time he will turn the laptop screen towards you and go for a walk. If you don't compliment, no prints. OK?

He, by default, is an expert on stock markets, real estate, automobiles, laptops, gadgets and knows all the dealers and distributors. He will also show you their number in his mobile phone. In reality, these contacts and his expert opinion are as useful as his PPTs. Those PPTs anyway would have been downloaded from the internet and edited by the Corporate Communications guy.  Once a year, using those PPTs he will give a speech and praise the MD to an extent that his stay in the company is secured.  

 It is fun to watch him when there's an office cricket match or any other outing. No one will bowl him out. He will get all balls wide outside the leg stump and the off stump. Though he dances like Sunny Deol, people will encircle him and clap and whistle. One of the drunk engineers will tie a handkerchief around his forehead and do the Nagin dance with him. There will be pictures taken as well. And then, there will be praises, "What a player he is!, What a dancer he is!, etc."

 His birthday is a festival of mixed feelings. It is good for the expensive cake one gets to eat but isn't good because you have to contribute towards buying a gift for the already rich miser. The biggest greeting card from Archie's is purchased and everyone signs it. This is the time when the real 'ass-kissing' group in your office can be identified. The one who's carrying this large card, the guy who orders the cake, the girl who selects the gift and the event manager for the  party in the Sambar-smelling cafeteria - they are the wannabe managers. These are the people, who in greed of an appraisal, pawn their conscience and resort to corporate slavery. A few years down the line, they grow up and just like their favorite boss, become another of those white elephants. 


- Deepak Karamungikar