Experts Everywhere

There are people who pretend to have an academic bent of mind even as their mark-sheets match the batting career record of Debashish Mohanty. They come in different forms and genders. They specialize in any field that is in question at that moment. Let's look at a few examples. 

• Fitness expert with a beer belly: I am sick of these people who have a one meter diameter waist and still give priceless advice on how to maintain weight. I'm not sure if it's something to do with his middle age, but he will ask you to go and jog early in the morning and say things like, "Morning air is very fresh", while the last sunrise he would have seen was when Maine Pyar Kiya released. He would also say, "Do some stretching exercises along with some push ups", while the maximum he would have stretched is to scratch his a******. Don't miss their advice on diet, "Eat phulkas, no fried food, no outside food, no sweets, no ice cream" (WTF) while continues his 8 poories for breakfast and double gosht double masala biryani for lunch. If you make a hissing sound while blowing out cigarette smoke , he will say, "I think there's a problem in your kidney, hence the sound" and you get hiccups while having beer, he will say, "I think your cholestrol is high." 

• Marketing Experts: Oh my God, they are there everywhere. You might have them in your relatives too. All you need to speak crap in this category is an MBA - even if it is from IIPM. The other day a relative called me and started giving me fundas on ripple effect, 36o degrees marketing campaign, brand equity, customer recall and more like that. And why do they use? because his boss would have used after reading some cheap marketing  self-help book. After twenty minutes, he asked me, "How much does Twitter cost?" Huffffff. He will talk using terms like "Top Down approach", while the only thing he knows is the "Bottoms Up" approach which he would have used when at 11.30 pm, the bar is raided by police and you are asked to leave.

• Career Counseling Experts: I don't want to do a 3 Idiots here. But, among your relatives I'm sure there are people who give free unsolicited career advice. When I was in my 11th Class and wasn't doing great at studies, a 'UNCLE' told me to go try for Australia since his brother's son was there. This dude from Australia today owns a pizza shop in Hyderabad and when I last met him, he said, "I shouldn't have listened to UNCLE. I went there and screwed it up man." Also, any uncle whose son or daughter is an Engineer and works for Infosys becomes an impromptu career guidance expert. 

• Love Doctors: Well, this one needs no qualification. If the other guy is an idiot, anyone can become a love expert. These self-styled love gurus, usually are ugly females who are unlikely to get a boyfriend. Diffident love afflicted losers whose complaints are like, "She's not looking at me anymore," (because you are an as*****), "She doesn't smile at me now"(remove those ear rings and get a haircut), "How to make her talk to me" (It will never happen) and so on. And these people have solutions like, "First make friendship with her", "As of now, she doesn't know you well right?" and "Do you know when's her birthday?" and "Find out what's her favorite color". As expected, this ugly one and that girl both get married to uglier NRIs and he ends up on Orkut. 

- Deepak Karamungikar