Holidays

Experts Everywhere

There are people who pretend to have an academic bent of mind even as their mark-sheets match the batting career record of Debashish Mohanty. They come in different forms and genders. They specialize in any field that is in question at that moment. Let's look at a few examples. 

• Fitness expert with a beer belly: I am sick of these people who have a one meter diameter waist and still give priceless advice on how to maintain weight. I'm not sure if it's something to do with his middle age, but he will ask you to go and jog early in the morning and say things like, "Morning air is very fresh", while the last sunrise he would have seen was when Maine Pyar Kiya released. He would also say, "Do some stretching exercises along with some push ups", while the maximum he would have stretched is to scratch his a******. Don't miss their advice on diet, "Eat phulkas, no fried food, no outside food, no sweets, no ice cream" (WTF) while continues his 8 poories for breakfast and double gosht double masala biryani for lunch. If you make a hissing sound while blowing out cigarette smoke , he will say, "I think there's a problem in your kidney, hence the sound" and you get hiccups while having beer, he will say, "I think your cholestrol is high." 

• Marketing Experts: Oh my God, they are there everywhere. You might have them in your relatives too. All you need to speak crap in this category is an MBA - even if it is from IIPM. The other day a relative called me and started giving me fundas on ripple effect, 36o degrees marketing campaign, brand equity, customer recall and more like that. And why do they use? because his boss would have used after reading some cheap marketing  self-help book. After twenty minutes, he asked me, "How much does Twitter cost?" Huffffff. He will talk using terms like "Top Down approach", while the only thing he knows is the "Bottoms Up" approach which he would have used when at 11.30 pm, the bar is raided by police and you are asked to leave.

• Career Counseling Experts: I don't want to do a 3 Idiots here. But, among your relatives I'm sure there are people who give free unsolicited career advice. When I was in my 11th Class and wasn't doing great at studies, a 'UNCLE' told me to go try for Australia since his brother's son was there. This dude from Australia today owns a pizza shop in Hyderabad and when I last met him, he said, "I shouldn't have listened to UNCLE. I went there and screwed it up man." Also, any uncle whose son or daughter is an Engineer and works for Infosys becomes an impromptu career guidance expert. 

• Love Doctors: Well, this one needs no qualification. If the other guy is an idiot, anyone can become a love expert. These self-styled love gurus, usually are ugly females who are unlikely to get a boyfriend. Diffident love afflicted losers whose complaints are like, "She's not looking at me anymore," (because you are an as*****), "She doesn't smile at me now"(remove those ear rings and get a haircut), "How to make her talk to me" (It will never happen) and so on. And these people have solutions like, "First make friendship with her", "As of now, she doesn't know you well right?" and "Do you know when's her birthday?" and "Find out what's her favorite color". As expected, this ugly one and that girl both get married to uglier NRIs and he ends up on Orkut. 

- Deepak Karamungikar

Hypocritical Opportunistic Flatterers

'Make hay while sun shines', goes an old saying but when people make hay even when the Sun doesn't shine, they are called opportunists. They are there all over us making use of every possible opportunity. I've met a few who show a lot of affection and love when you meet them. But, when you realize what happened, it's too late.

 

When you get a good job or you move abroad or you start a new business or you acquire a new property, out of the blue, new friends and relatives are born. It's the same guy who would have insulted you and made fun of you in the past, now is trying to rub shoulders with you. Aunts' whose mental torture your mother had to bear all these years, now have become your Mom's  pseudo-best friends. Jealousy isn't visible on the faces anymore and they all have become we-are-a-closely-knit-family and we-love-you and you-don't-waste-your-time-doing-this-work-I'll-take-care, etc. while the motives vary from scouting for new business opportunities to grooms to bridegrooms to all expenses paid trips.

During your growing up years and as well as in college, guys and girls are befriended only because they know some guy or girl or vice-versa. But when they want to make friendship with you only because you know some girl or boy, this is the shit you hear from them:

• You're such an interesting person
• I know you can do it
• You have some great talent
• It will be a cakewalk for you
• You are a nice guy and so on

And once the ladki/ladka is pataoed, there you go, he /she has no time for you. And they say, "Hiiiiieeeee, long time, let's meet one day" and some people just pick up a fight and get pseudo-pissed off and get away.


At work, when you have such people, it is easy to spot them.They are present in office even on days when they are sick and say, "I have a bad throat" and make a phone call to the boss and speak in that screwed up voice to ensure they get their points for dedication-to-duty. Even otherwise, they talk only when the boss is listening or when they are confident that the news will get delivered because of some henchman in the vicinity. This is what you get to hear from these hypocritical creatures.

• I can't live without coming to office
• Our boss is really great
• This company is my family
• I will never leave this company
• Working here is so much fun
• I have no life apart from this company and my family (HUH) 

Some of the actions that can be associated with them

• Last to complain about anything
• Give unnecessary advice when inside boss's cabin and you also are around
• Threaten subordinates by saying, "If boss comes to know, he will bash us up"
• Keeps full information about boss and his family's whereabouts
• Arrive early and leave late even if they have no work to do
• Send e-mails ccing everyone at odd hours like 11.55 pm or 3.15 am
• Buy gifts for the boss even when back from honeymoon

- Deepak Karamungikar

Ameerpet to America

When Ameerpet educated software engineers get a visa to the USA, their life changes. Suddenly you see him wearing Nike shoes and goggles and he won't stop for more than a minute and says, "I have a lot of work. Shopping, etc.". He will get busy and there are celebrations at home. Some friends become truly happy and few become jealous. A party is announced where about eleven men cram themselves in one corner of a bar and make lot of noises and the guy pays a Rs.3000 bill and everyone forgets about it the next day. Out of those eleven, only two come to drop him at the airport.

When he gets there, he lives in fear of getting mugged by a stoned black man but in pictures, he wears goggles and writes some random names under it like some Kansas hill, Nebraska  Chowrasta etc. And when his friends here comment "Awesome pics dude", his ego gets masturbated. And in his Ameerpetized SMS English, he replies, "tks man. hw r u? I m cumming in Decmbr" which also unintentionally exposes his self-imposed chastity. 

The problems arise when he arrives in India. While coming back, he buys a Johnny Walker or a Chivas Regal on his way back and treats his friends. And then, this is what people have to bear with apart from looong stories about their adventures in USA which are more boring than personality development lectures.

• There's so much pollution here, its so clean in the US (forgot how you played cricket in mud )
• The roads are so sexy there (Oh my God. Tried anything new?)
• Handycam, Digicam, Laptop, iPOD displayed in drawing room with comments like, "I'm not sure if we can get this handycam's battery here" (It means, "Show me that shop")
• People have no traffic sense, In the US, they're so disciplined (HA HA HA)
• I drink only mineral water
• Goggles even at 10 pm in a Pub.  (Why Why Why?)
• Let's go to a decent place man (You ate bread omlette outside Lamba theater, forgot?)
• I need to go to a spa (You argued with the barber for making cutting+shaving Rs. 60 from Rs. 50 forgot?)
• Oh, this toilet is so dirty (Forgot Sulabh Complex that day? liar)
• Money is not the problem. I want best quality (Forgot we used to adjust everything in Rs. 150 and you paid the least?)
• I'm a associate consultant in the US (glorified typist who uses Google. Secretly, his Kuladevata has changed to Sergey Brin and Larry Page for inventing Google)
• Auto rickshaw is an insult. Only cab. (Foot-boarded on RTC bus entire student life.)
• I don't like noise. (ARRGGGH)
• Speaks to a mechanic, pan-shop wala, autowallah, waiter,etc. in English
• Uses FREAKIN before saying anything (Ask for the meaning next time you hear it)
• Cars in the US are more comfortable than here (Wow, is it?)
• I can't digest spicy food you know (I know, secretly you eat spicy chicken curry  sent by colleagues wife and eat pickles, liar)
• That is cheap shit (You borrowed your shoes for farewell party, forgot?)
• At a showroom, when everyone's listening, he says "I need something that suits my personality" (He means, "You know I'm from the US")
• He looks at any queue and says, "This is ridiculous" (Forgot how you used to come out with tickets even as your shirt got unbuttoned and torn in the Rs. 10 ticket queue on the 1st day of any Chiranjeevi movie.)
• I saw a strip show (Thankfully, we don't have it here.)
• India will never change 

- Deepak Karamungikar 

(P.S. Ameerpet is the place in Hyderabad where about 2000 institutes teach different computer software courses to aimless young men)

At the bar

We're all aware that people who get drunk behave differently while they're high. But, there are some finer aspects of this behavior which one gets to see when the heat is on. When a group of young corporate executives go for a drink, this is what you get to see

• If two or more waiters say hello to one of the guys, it means that he's a regular there and will end up drinking most. Also notice that he will order for drinks without looking at the menu
• Suddenly one of the guys starts talking louder than usual - don't offer him more drinks. He's done
• At the table, everyone becomes a close friend and hug each other
• The waiter becomes a close friend too 
• Even the lamest office joke like "Aah, he is so tall, that he doesn't fit in his cabin" is LMAOed and ROTFLed and repeated until the neighboring tables object or walk-out
• One of the guys will go on pretext of a phone call, puke and come back and say, "Dude, let's have another beer"
• Career advice is free that night
• Family problems advice comes faster than time taken by Dinesh Karthik to return to pavillion
• Philosophical statements often heard
• He doesn't know the true value of friendship
• I had two choices, I joined this company and screwed up
• I made many mistakes in my life
• Your true love will come back to you 
• I have taken enough shit now
• I want a tension-free life
• I hate this job

• Philanthropic statements often heard 
• You send me your resume, I'll take care
• Tell me how much money you need
• Any time of the day, just call me once
• You can take my car
• I'll help you finish that documentation. Just send it to me
• We can all go to my farmhouse next time

• Instant revelations after 4 pegs by occasional drinkers
• My uncle is the police commissioner
• I met A R Rahman in Chennai airport
• The present MLA is aunt's classmate
• I'm very particular about the brands I wear - I buy only Nike
• I can drink a full bottle of whiskey and can stand up straight
• I have had about 9 girlfriends
• I lost my virginity in 10th class
• My cousin is very rich - drives a Scorpio
• My grandfather had 200 acres of agricultural land. Relatives snatched everything. Even today, even if you just tell his name, everyone recognizes
• I am steady.

- Deepak Karamungikar

My Photo Album

There's a huge difference in the way different people put up photographs on Orkut and Facebook. The type of photographs differ with gender, age, region and so on. While some people prefer not to upload any pics, some don't mind. The ones who are married and have kids will have family pics. Some people upload the soft copy of the passport size photograph and so on. 

My favorite set of people - the ones born post 1990. Let's see what their pics are like.

• GUYS - types of photographs
• One with goggles is a mandate
• One on his bike
• One with goggles on and looking away from the camera
• One on a beach with shorts and goggles
• One on the bank of a river
• One sitting on the road
• One near a tree and one sitting on the tree
• If been to a Zoo or a Sanctuary, one with a deer
• One image morphed using Photofunia
• One wearing a suit
• One with a family
• One at his native place

Photos change - every one year. 

• Girls oops GALS
• One with head tilted on left 30 degrees
• One with head tilted on right 30 degrees
• One close up pic with hair let loose and teeth display head tilted 15 degrees
• A neighborhood kid or a nephew/niece with the caption "cuttttiiieeee"
• One with the above kid with head tilted 25 degrees
• One with her best friends - both of them head tilted 45 degrees
• One with her best friend - both rubbing cheek 30 degrees
• One with her best friend - both wearing goggles and rubbing cheeks and endorsing toothpaste head tilted 90 degrees
• Only the coffee/ice-cream/milk-shake/pizza/biryani/anything else with a caption "YUMMMYYYYY"
• One with five best friends from school, all rubbing cheek with eachother and head tilted head tilted 120 degrees
• One at KFC or McDOnalds sipping that plastic tub - head tilted at an unknown angle
• One pic from school days most likely from second class
• If in USA or anywhere else outside India, then,
• 1 pic with Snowman with head tilted
• 1 with snow ball in hands and a wide grin
• 1 at Niagra Falls with head tilted perpendicular to Niagra Falls.

 Photos change - every week.

- Deepak Karamungikar

New company blues

First few days at work are always tricky. Especially if you are not one of those, My-brother-in-law-is-the-project-lead-here or My-dad-knows-the-board-members types. You are welcomed with an E-mail and are assigned a workstation. 

• The first day, everyone smiles and as days pass, number  of people smiling goes down  and one fine day you stop smiling
• The HR will show you around and make you shake hands with every cabin's occupier and they all welcome you while the HR guy is having a telepathic communication with them saying, "Aur ek chutiya aa gaya dekho"
• You are scared to open your Gmail and like a spy, you look around to see how many people on the floor have Gmails open. Later that day, you see someone senior use Gtalk and Gmail, you feel orgasmic and thus, Gmail becomes your homepage in one of the browsers.
• The first meeting with your reporting manager and the HR begins like this, "So, welcome to XYX....Let me tell you one thing, you'll have a lot of work, but working  here is fun."We all enjoy the work here." While this is being said, you miss the sarcastic smile on the HR's face
• You are given a welcome kit consisting of a diary, a pen and some other stationery which gets lost in three days flat 
•  The first day, you are proud to wear your ID card around your neck. After a couple of months, you slowly wind the string around the card and put it in your pocket.
• On day 1, whoever spoke to you the most, you realize, is the most cunning fellow
• An orientation programme which will make you 'feel at home' is delivered by the HR guys and a rosy picture of how life will never be is shown
• The girl in the other wing you thought was very cute sends you a marriage invitation in a few days
• After a couple of months, you realize that the receptionist is the one who knows everything about everyone
• The MD or CEOs personal assistant is the most irritating and listens to nobody
• At the cafeteria, on the table, the person who you have lunch with on day 1, 2 and 3, remains a friend forever.

 - Deepak Karamungikar

Teenage Nostalgia

In the growing up years, each one of us would have had a crush on someone or the other. Writing the guy's or the girl's name on the last page of all notebooks and darkening it with a pen and then the Sonu Nigam song which you heard with him/her becomes your favorite song. Then there is applesauce like I-won't-eat-until-you-eat, i-think-of-you-even-while-watching-tv, my-dad-trusts-me-a-lot, first-we(you)-need-to-settle and lots more.  

In the process of pataoing that girl or getting pataoed by that boy, there are a lot of funny things that happen right from fatal errors, miscalculations and in some cases, fights with the local goonda/dada who I'm sure, even after ten years is still standing at the end of the lane chewing Gutkha with no work to do or is driving an autorickshaw.  These things become memories for the rest of your lives. However, if you are a boy and were trying to patao a girl sometime in your life, there are these things you would have come across

• The girl has an irritating friend who wears spectacles and is mostly stoic
• This friend is allowed to go out or talk to boys but not your girl 
• Your girl's parent's need that friend's company to send her outside
• The friend is the reason why your proposal gets delayed but you will have to live with it 
• Then, you are forced to befriend her 
• Initially, you will volunteer to pay for her ice-cream, coke, movie and everything else. Later, you are forced to pay
• While passing on your message to her, she will deliver only half the message. The other half she doesn't want to
• When you finally manage to convince your girl, the friend gets jealous
• She will try to do UNGLI and most likely she will tell her parents.
• If she doesn't, the friend has turned into an insomniac and now wants a boyfriend like her best friend
• Then, you do some market research to realize that this friend has someone following her and is a guy who you hate
• You are forced to befriend and brainwash him
• A month later, all four of you go out of the city to a resort. 
• Rarely do both the relationships become a marriage. 
• If they do, good. If they don't , one or both of the pairs get separated but both guys end up as friends and have beer every weekend.

-  Deepak Karamungikar

Childhood games, if you had to play them now....

If you were born and brought up in a middle class  or lower middle class locality, then you must have played the following games and it is most likely that you will never play them again. However, if you had to play them with your office colleagues now, let's imagine the scenario.

• Maram Peeti (Take a ball and hit anyone near you or whoever you want to. All shots excused and nothing serious) - This is the game you would have played in school in the lunch break after lunch or before the assembly started in the morning. But now, if you were to play this. The admin guys would hit the management for asking them for asking them to buy a printer but not approving paper purchase. The Sales guys would hit their bosses for causing numerical pain in their ass. The top management would hit the CEO. The CEO would hit the directors and the board members. The customer care guys would hit the customers. The System Admin guys will hit everyone whose outlook is not working. All of them together will hit the Finance Guy. The Quality control guys keep monitoring if everyone is hitting well and getting hit well and they will request for documentation of the same.  And at the end of the game, the HR will announce the result and retain the ball for the the next game. 

• I Spy or Hide and Seek: If Hide and Seek were to be played today, the first to close eyes and count would be the CEO.  By the time he finishes counting 50, the Sales Guys would have gone to the field (sitting in some a client's office where the A/C works) and ignoring all calls to pretend they're busy. The Admin guys go and hide in one of their dirty store rooms because they know even they can't find anything there.  The Marketing guys climb some tree and when they are found, they will say they were looking for some ad space. The customer care will hide behind their fat call center team leader. The finance guy will hide behind those audit files which CEO doesn't want to go anywhere close to. The System Admin will just right click->properties and check on 'Hidden'. The HR team, in the meanwhile is searching for a healthy, hygienic, employee-friendly, congenial, learning environment to hide.

• Marbles: If you ask a finance guy to hit a marble, he will only  show different excel sheets about how much difference hitting that marble will make to the cash flow. The marketing guy will show a nice visual depicting how the marbles will get hit. The HR will examine all marbles before deciding not to hit any. The Operations will measure the distance to the target marble and send you a report that the current bandwidth doesn't support hitting the target. The Networking guy doesn't want to try because he thinks the marble  he is aiming at is a proxy and it won't ping. One department that must be champions at this sport are the Sales guys. All their life, they keep taking shots at targets sometimes achievable, sometimes not. When they hit, everybody lives in peace and harmony and their fruits are enjoyed by the rest of the organization. When they don't, they call it recession.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there...Americanization

Do we really need a Mother's Day to express our love to her? If you think yes, then stop reading this article. The same applies to Father's Day. Nothing in this world or even from outside this world can repay what your Father and Mother gave you - a life. Excuse me pseudo hypocrite Indian, but being a son or a daughter is a duty. In your entire lifetime, you will not be able to amass enough to honor your mother and father. So, stop promoting this Greeting Cards business.

Greeting card companies have invented more occasions/festivals than there are days in a calender year. I don't understand what exactly is one supposed to do on Friendship Day that you wouldn't do on other days? Hang out with friends? Go out? Watch a movie? Bullshit. It means, more greeting card sales, more advertising revenue, friendship band sales and lot of other such shit.

What are the odds that a girl will accept if you propose to her on Valentines Day as against other days? Please remember that if you are an asshole, she will never say 'yes' to you. The only thing that happens on Valentines Day is more greeting card sales, more business for pubs, restaurants, more Rose sales, more condom sales and the next day, more iPill sales. And these piddle-marinated brains from the Indian advertising industry make this day an event that's publicized more than the Indian Army Day.  

However, the occasions mentioned above are still acceptable. There are a few which make no sense to me whatsoever. The ones taking the cake in inanity and shit-headedness is Halloween. The other day, I overheard a software engineer telling another, "I tried Google and Wikipedia, but I didn't understand if Halloween is a man or a woman." 

Why should anyone celebrate Halloween in India? We have enough festivals dude. POP music playing pubs also organize Halloween theme parties to rob you off more money and sell beer. 200 bucks a pint. INSANE. The only good thing about Halloween is that it has given the HR fraternity some work to do between their long naps where they organize a Halloween Day where Men and Women wear some weird costume to look like ghosts in Zee Horror Show. Next time you see someone celebrating Halloween, take that pumpkin and  smash it on his head.

Well, I'm glad we are only in a nascent stage of Americanization of culture. Look at the list below and see how much crap we will have to deal with in times to come.

• Jan 3 - Humiliation Day
• Feb 3 - International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
• Mar 20 - Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
• Apr 6 - Plan Your Epitaph Day
• Apr 14 - Ex-spouse Day
• May 11 - Eat What You Want Day
• Jun 8 - Name your Poison Day
• Jun 23 - Take your Dog to work Day (Imagine Hi-Tec city on this day)
• Jul 13 - Barbershop Music Appreciation Day
• Aug 28 - Race Your Mouse Day
• Sep 19 - International Talk Like A Pirate Day
• Oct 12 - Moment of Frustration Day
• Nov 19 - Have a Bad Day Day
• Dec 30 - National Bicarbonate of Soda Day

     (jackshit copied from holidayinsights.com)

 - Deepak Karamungikar

 

Observations, here and there...Social Networking

On the internet and especially on social networking sites, self-obsession sometimes crosses all limits. You often get to see user ids from ugly girls like cool_angel_cutie, hot_girl4u and sweety_pie. And awful looking guys have ids like handsome_hunk_69, i_am_theking84, smartboy_cool02 and so on. These are the ids which people use in their resumes as well when they apply for call center jobs. When you look at their Orkut profile, their name would be written as $%^^@#%^&*& *(&**&^%%  (read Santosh Kumar) or ® @(&*&^%$%$ (read Rakesh). I still wonder, Where they get these characters from?

The 'about me' section is mostly filled with meaningless superlatives. You will get to see "I am a cooooooooooooool fun loving guy" or "I am a lovely n cute n naughty n decent gal " from XYZ city and they all 'love making' new friends. Everyone is a 'down to earth' person and 'takes life easy' and 'is always chiilllllllllin' and so on. This part also includes a Shayari which is plagiarised from the hind side of  a truck and will have words like Dil, Deewana, Manzil, Sanam, Chand, Khafa, Wafa and Bewafa. Sometimes, there is English shayari like, "Hit me but don't hurt me, Love me but don't hate me, Kiss me but don't miss me, Life is so cool, you are my phool "

Patterns with ASCII text are also common which appear like silhouettes of female anatomy, much like dubbed B-grade Indian semi-porn movie posters they display on walls of a public urinal in small towns. Their status update usually is, "Nach Baliye rocksssssszzzzzz" or "Livin on the edge....feel my love.... " or "Zayed Khan is soooo cuttteeeeee" and more intellectually disarming things like that.

Friend requests are sent by guys in the most atrocious manner. A married female friend  of mine, recently got a request which said, "Hi XYZ, I wanna make frenzzz with u, i stay in Hyderabad and my number is ......". This guy was being very modest. Often, these requests read, "Heyyyyyyyyy xxx, h r u? i am yyy frm zzz...i belive in true frnship and wanna be frenzzz...you are intrsted???...waitin..."  or "Niceeeeee piccc, wannna be friendhsip?"

Super-shit communities like "I don't take bath everyday", "I have no balls", "I was born on 30th of February", "I have pimples", "I like to fart when no one's around" etc. with 65,000 members in it and spam messages about earning 5,000$ every week are sent. These communities, usually become host to racial abuse and regionalism.

Failed techies with single-digit-IQ make applications like "Enemy of the day", "Which Pussycat doll are you?", "Which breed of dog are you", etc. Testimonials on Orkut among this group are bartered - you scratch mine and I'll scratch yours. "He's a cooooool dude, keep rockkking, etc." along with loads of ASCII text soft porn.

Their 'my idea of a first date'  is 01/01/2010 and 'Ideal Match' is India Vs Pakistan.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there...Modern Teenagers

Weird fashion sense has marred the overall aesthetic appeal of human race. In my city, Hyderabad, if you go to GVKOne or City Center or Central or any other mall, you will find that a group of teenagers (Teeny Boppers - as described by a retarded newspaper in Hyd.) hanging out with the weirdest clothes ever. These teenagers, usually under 20, have no idea about the most basic things in life. As my friend Gursimran Khamba described in one of his earlier posts, their eccentricity has reached dizzy heights and they seriously need to think again.

Their dressing sense will make Lady Gaga feel like shit. You will find that even a  guy with waist size 23 inches will wear a low rise jeans and expose his duplicate Jockey underwear strap which he would have bought in front of GPO in Abids. He will wear three steel chains around his neck and wear about four beaded bracelets in  his hand. He will wear a Linkin Park  or Akon  t-shirt and if you go closer. you will hear him sing, "Smack that, all on the floor, smack that, give me some more..." The latest trend is to wear a Chunni on that t-shirt. Pardon me, I don't know what that cloth is called, but that's what it looks like. He will wear a tattoo on his neck which is actually CHUTIYA written in Chinese and he has paid for it.

The other day, I saw a guy who had tied a ponytail on his beard. I don't know what it is called, but it looked like an abandoned nest. Hairstyles have come of age too, you find every third guy with long straight hair  and those whose hair doesn't grow, they end up coloring it, mostly the front few strands of hair with brown color and look like a cock(masculine for hen).

You will always find two wires hanging from his ears. The other end of these wires is connected to a Chinese made iPhone replica which has 7 speakers and 17 lights glow when he receives a call...err missed call. He would have set caller tune to the latest POP hit and the ringtone, is mos likely to be 'Lonely' by Akon. The phone has about 1 GB of porn in 3GP format downloaded from debonairblog. 

And the most interesting part is, he would have a chewing-gum chewing girl friend who has a fake UK accent. She wears 300 grams of make up and wears goggles even while watching a movie. No wonder she likes all Akshay Kumar movies. And when they have a conversation in public, they behave as if they landed from London an hour ago and will go back that evening. But outside the mall, her English will sound like "LIke, you know, I was like you know...I told you no rey, like why you are doing like that, you know..."

However, to find out more about their genius, ask them to sing the National Anthem.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there...The Finance Guy

Life in a corporate is not complete without having a difference of opinion with a finance guy. They are people who can screw your day and many times your job at large. They are born with a BIG 'NO' written on their soul. Their capability to become a pain in others' ass is directly proportional to their appraisal points. He makes his presence felt with negativity that can beat the South Pole. 

A typical Indian finance-head's competency lies is in spoiling relations with existing clients, creating dissatisfaction among employees and spreading melancholy in the office with his expression.The block where the finance department sits itself wears a look of a  East  European demolished war colony and they resemble the survivors.  If you meet them more often than once a week, you might suffer from chronic depression coupled with mental aberration. 

 

The most common answer for his late arrival would be, "I went to the bank," while he actually  would have gone to a bank because the MDs ATM card is not working. The MD is the only man who can make him smile. He usually has lunch alone, actually no one wants to sit with him because even there, he'll talk about some bill that went missing because of you in 1998. 

His I'm-the-savior-of-this-company attitude is quite visible because he is an eternal part of every department's meeting. All other department heads pretend to have a good relationship with him because when the crisis comes, he's the one who can save them. However, to make them work their ass off, someone invented the Audit and Annual Report. This is the only time when he is busy in his own wonderful world and the rest of the office - happy!

However, When you take him out of his barren cabin, this is how he probably will react.

• At an underwear shop, when you ask him, "which one do you want?"
• Ans: Give me the one that all departments can share and utilization is maximum
• What does he say to his would-be when he has to ask her name?
• Ans: What is your ledger number?
  
• When his wife looks at him with passion, he will say, "This month there is no budget"
• What does he say when he is highly pissed off with with his father-in-law?
• Ans: I think we should change the vendor 
• What excuse does he give to his wife and children for not taking them out?
• Ans: Today is a Bank Holiday
• At a brothel, he will ask for a 
• Invoice
• 10% Discount 
• Credit note for the discount
• PAN Card photocopy
• 45 days credit period

- Deepak Karamungikar 

Observations, here and there...Loverboys

There are a few guys who go to any extent to please their girlfriend. The other day on Tank Bund, I saw a well dressed man with a company id card around his neck bow down and touch his girl's feet with his forehead. Actually, he should have jumped in Tank Bund before murdering his ego. Anyway, these kind of guys are very funny at times. Such feelings of self-destruction usually begin when he pataos the girl and she accepts BUT subject to certain conditions. This is where a man dies his first death. And these conditions,  have less logic than Harry Potter's magic tricks. Some of them are:

• I need some space (I have male friends)
• I don't appreciate cricket much (You can't watch cricket anymore)
• Bangalore is my favorite city (You can't live with your parents after marriage)
• Weekends should be full of fun (Budget for Rs. 2000 per weekend) and many more.

Thereafter, there are many blunders he commits in due course of time. He does the down- on-the-knees-with-a-rose in the hand almost every time they meet. Days on which he doesn't have to do it implies that he has given her some gift that day. Even in a three month old relationship and after nine fights, there's a lot of crap like, "I can do anything to make you smile" (another 500 bucks). 

When out at some hi-tech mall,  his 23 year old lady love will act like a seven year old girl and say, "I want this ice-cream" and jump three times exercising her 83 kg body and burning 72 calories. And this idiot, with a joyous feeling in his heart, says, "ok dear, take anything you like" and take out his wallet with grandeur that could put a prince to shame while deep inside, he wished she had something cheaper. So, to adjust that cost, he will have just a Sprite and says, "I just had lunch!" while his soul starves inside. 

Madly-in-love with a mad girl, he will take permission for everything from her. Things get so shady at times, he will ask, "I want to go out with my friends tonight, so....I'll have a..ONLY ONE BEER, I promise!" And when she okays his request, he will send an SMS to all his friends, "Dude, I got permission today!" and repeat the same line again when he meets them and 'high fives' with his friends as if he has scored 99 percentile in CAT. And when he  ends up drinking five beers and in the night, she calls and he doesn't pick up, he'll have to buy another teddy bear (her 5th one) at a China Bazaar store for 99 Rupees and give it to her along with a red rose, a SORRY greeting card, a chocolate and a promise that he will not commit the crime again. However, next Saturday, same story repeats and the next Monday, another set of gifts and another lie. 

These nincompoops have another silly habit. They live telecast everything that's going on when she calls. A typical commentary begins like this, "Hi Sweety (ha ha ha), I am with X at Lifestyle.   He wanted to buy something, so I came. He has gone to try a jeans, oh wait, he just came out. Jeans is blue in color and has the same fit like my black jeans which we bought (I bought) last time....I think it is tight in his groin area..yes..very tight...He will have to change it.... He went inside again..... So, what else happened...Here there are many girls around....one of them is looking at me (lies)....Now we will start from here in another 30 minutes.....we will have lunch.....Now its not possible...everyone around...ok I LOVE YOU (whispers  after covering the mouth with hand).....so what else.....so what else.....so what else...." As this conversation goes on and on, the poor friend who sought his friend's company is left lonely - He pays the bill, carries the stuff, starts the bike and drives on.

- Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there...The Blabberers

We all have met people who give a essay type answer to an objective question. Yes, these are the people who love to talk and when they start, they will stop only when you get a fictional phone call or someone calls you and only you hear it. Whether they make sense or not is immaterial. But when they start talking, you are subjected to mental molestation.

 

Simple questions get answered in the most elaborate of ways possible. If you ask him, "Hello Sir, how are you?". He will answer, "Not great man, just pulling along. I have this shoulder problem. Because of this, I am not able to do this (he will raise hands) and this (raise legs) and so on. And the innocence in you will sidetrack your mind and you will ask, "Oh sir, how did it happen?". And this is where, another twelve minutes lesson on human anatomy and physiotherapy begins and it will end only if you say Bye. 

This is how it works.

If you ask him "How was the weekend?",Weekend wasn't great man, I had lots of work to do. First I had the electrician coming over, then there was the painter and then my wife wanted to go somewhere (wide boring grin)and then we went to a mall and I went to that stupid restaurant. I found no parking place. There's so much traffic these days. I had to take another route. This is where you make another mistake and ask, "Which route?". He feels energized as if he's had a glass of lemon flavored Glucon D and he will start - "Now, you are at Banjara Hills. There are three ways of going to Secunderabad. Once is via Erramanzil and Lakdikapul............." He will name about 23 localities and 12 landmark and will  mentally drive you to his home. You should NEVER ask him a route. 
 

If you ask, "Sir, Where did you work prior to this company?" He will respond, "I was with seven companies. First one was in 1998 September, no August, no September actually. 9th September to be precise. I got confused because I had got another offer in August.You know how I got my first job? It's a funny experience. Actually, I wanted to go to my native place in a bus. I had just locked the door and suddenly remembered that I forgot the money inside. So, I opened it again. When I came out, I saw the postman with an envelope in his hand. I think his name was Venkatesh. He knew us well. Those days, Postal department had a lot of importance. There's a famous song also, Daakiya Daak Laya, Daakiya Daak laya,which movie remember? Anyway, we'll Google it later... Ok, now this postman came with an envelope and handed it over to me. It was a call letter for an interview. Then, I saw that the date was today! So, I quickly unlocked my door and went inside...". After 3 minutes, he's still talking to the postman, After 10 minutes, he started for the interview, After 33 minutes, interview going on. Interview description, another 25 minutes of description. If you are a fresher, he will consume half your working day describing his career and say, it was a  nice introduction. 

You should never ask, "What's your opinion on the post-recession trend in the industry". He will say, "Actually, in 1999 when the first bubble burst, India was in a nascent stage of development in the IT sector. That was the time when I was working with XYZ. Those were the days when we had computer mice with balls. Monitors were not flat screen and only the branch manager had a color monitor. The rest would have those monochrome monitors. But I fought with the management and said, Balls, bloody I will not work on a black and white monitor, If you want me to continue, I need a color one. Then, my Vice-president sent an email from Bombay and approved it. I got it that evening itself. We used to have floppy disks and those were bloody unreliable. Once what happened, I was going to a presentation wearing a Zodiac tie my brother-in-law had got from London. He was there for an year. He hated that place. Now, he runs his own company. You must have heard about ZYZ, pretty popular guy. I told him, you should have stayed there..He didn't listen. Anyway, he's happy now. His son got selected in MIT last year and he will become a scientist. He's from IIT though. It's easy when you're from IIT. He did his Mechanical Engineering. Now he's specializing in Applied Fluid Dynamics. I heard he's getting married to some Firang girl. This fellow doesn't even eat egg, I don't know how they will live together. Cross-cultural marriages are these days becoming common......"

And thus, another chapter begins....

There's only one way to handle them - stay away!

- Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there... Jhoot bole, kawwa kaate!

I'm sure you would have come across these cold blooded liars whose prevarications sometimes sweep you by your feet and later, give you hysteric laughs. His spoken English is great and that's where people get tricked. If you ask him, "Have you seen The Godfather'?", He will respond,"Ammmmazing movie man...what a classic!". When you ask him about a particular scene, suddenly his phone is in silent mode and he gets a phone call. Also, he picks it up saying, "Shit!" and says, "Shh...1 second." and vanishes for the day.

He will lie about anything. You just have to stimulate him. Such people insist on claiming that they're from a very rich family and have a class. If you ask him, "What are your hobbies?", He will reply, "My hobbies are, equitation (horse riding), scuba diving, listening to death trance". He says things which are very difficult to prove wrong. In Hyderabad, you will not find horses anywhere and neither can you scuba dive in tank bund. Death trance...forget it. But, when no one is looking, he will eat Mirchi Bajji near Manju Theater and drink special Faluda later.

When there's a cricket match, he will say, "Rahul Dravid is my cousin's close friend. He's a very reserved person...you know...". He won't be able to show you those pics  which he took with Rahul because he has lost that pen-drive already and later, a monkey snatched away that camera with memory card when he went to a temple and that laptop with those photos crashed.

He has a commercial pilot license at home and has 2000 hours of flying experience, all in UK where he lived for six years with his uncle who was a businessman. You just have to ask him, "How does it feel in the cockpit?" And another cock and bull story is ready since he would have  played Microsoft Flight Simulator for hours after failing in the Osmania University graduation exams.
You should see these guys flirt with women at conferences. He would start by saying, "Oh! You work with X? X knows me pretty well, We were together in Bangalore! In fact, we had beer together many times!". "It's a small world!..." he would continue and there goes another bakra.
Business meetings with such people are a feast. His introduction would be like this. "I'm X, I've been around in this industry for quite some time now (actually 3 years  excluding two gaps of jobless seven months each). I've seen the ups and downs of this industry (employment and unemployment). I am an alumnus of University of California, LA (Read MSKAJ college, affiliated to Osmania University, Kukatpally). After my studies, I worked in London (Rajahmundry)for a while and then moved to Berlin (Ongole)for a special assignment. Now, here I am in India (Hyderabad), developing Emerging Markets (adding more Kirana stores to the  outlet list) in this territory (Kukatpally, Miyapur and Kundapur).
The other guy, if he is smart, he will realize his mistake of talking to him. If he's one of those  overzealous wannabes, there goes another bakra.
Jhoot Bole, Kawwa Kaate!

 

 - Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there... Corporate White Elephants

I'm sure everyone who's working has come across that lazy sycophantic character in your office who doesn't contribute to the organization in any way. Like a ruminating buffallo under the tree, he will sit under the a/c checking out what's latest. Yet, on the company's website, his name is prefixed with ironical adjectives like dynamic, highly potent, pioneer, vastly experienced and so on. This character is likely to be in his late forties and the entire office respects (read curses) him. A trained parrot of the company's board, he is obsessed with one of his projects he led before the Iraq War and cites the same examples in every meeting. 

His day begins in the parking lot when he bumps into one of his colleagues and the one-sided chat about how his son spilled ice-cream on his school uniform begins. Once inside his cabin, tea is supplied to his table unlike other mortals who have to go to the vending machine. His monitor and his back are always facing the wall because no one should be able to see him chat or see him read the Telugu newspaper online. He calls it 'Vaastu'. 

He will wear the most crisply ironed shirts and if you praise it, he will reply, "My wife gifted it to me,"  and follows it with a joke which is retarded even by Sajid Khan's standards. He has a separate printer installed in his cabin as a privilege owing to his designation. But, it is so because no one else should be able to see the train/flight/movie tickets he prints in color. By mistake if you go inside his cabin to use this printer, you will have to forcibly watch those 208 photographs of his son or daughter. That will be the only time he will turn the laptop screen towards you and go for a walk. If you don't compliment, no prints. OK?

He, by default, is an expert on stock markets, real estate, automobiles, laptops, gadgets and knows all the dealers and distributors. He will also show you their number in his mobile phone. In reality, these contacts and his expert opinion are as useful as his PPTs. Those PPTs anyway would have been downloaded from the internet and edited by the Corporate Communications guy.  Once a year, using those PPTs he will give a speech and praise the MD to an extent that his stay in the company is secured.  

 It is fun to watch him when there's an office cricket match or any other outing. No one will bowl him out. He will get all balls wide outside the leg stump and the off stump. Though he dances like Sunny Deol, people will encircle him and clap and whistle. One of the drunk engineers will tie a handkerchief around his forehead and do the Nagin dance with him. There will be pictures taken as well. And then, there will be praises, "What a player he is!, What a dancer he is!, etc."

 His birthday is a festival of mixed feelings. It is good for the expensive cake one gets to eat but isn't good because you have to contribute towards buying a gift for the already rich miser. The biggest greeting card from Archie's is purchased and everyone signs it. This is the time when the real 'ass-kissing' group in your office can be identified. The one who's carrying this large card, the guy who orders the cake, the girl who selects the gift and the event manager for the  party in the Sambar-smelling cafeteria - they are the wannabe managers. These are the people, who in greed of an appraisal, pawn their conscience and resort to corporate slavery. A few years down the line, they grow up and just like their favorite boss, become another of those white elephants. 


- Deepak Karamungikar

Observations, here and there... The First Job

There's this species called just-got-my-first-job-after MBA which is irritating at times. One year into the job and you see their confidence shoot up like a fountain and drench others around them. They will begin every official conversation with "We're a company that's into..." and then whether you like it or not, in the next three minutes, they will explain their organization's "About Us" page and show you a couple of visuals from their "Gallery" section, verbally though. He thinks minutes of the meeting is the duration of the meeting and will often use words like 'cut ice', 'and 'touch base' irrespective of what they mean.

When you  meet them outside, they will start the conversation with, "I'm with XYZ. I'm an Assistant Manager. I handle marketing and report to the CEO / I handle all AP/ handle south India, etc." The last line in most cases is a loud fart from the wrong end of the digestive system.  

Even in general, they can't keep mouth shut and in just one year of experience, they say things like "I've seen that market / I know the trend / i know what sells in the market." When you meet them at a bar or a pub, despite loud music pumping into your ears, he will explain, "We are into a lot of XYZ. I am the youngest manager in our company. (another gas bag bursts)" and ask for your visiting card. He will force you to lend your mobile number and will never call. 

After drinks, he will start boasting about some guy in his office and how brilliant he is. He will also say that he's been lucky working under him. Irrespective of your consent, he will tell you his favorite man's biography which is as boring as watching a stranger's marriage video. Another thing that is noticeable is the boasting about their company's foreign presence. "We have offices in London, New York and Singapore" is what he will say where as the message is that he can be transferred to those offices anytime. But even he knows that can never happen with a shady Indian MBA. 

When he goes to attend marriages or functions, all relatives treat him as if he has won an Olympic Gold. There, if you notice them, with head high, chest up and chin up, he will use a couple of management terms like 'market share' and 'core competence' and gain undeserving respect from the ignorant sections of the society. This species will use three English words per sentence while speaking to his Aunts and Uncles. But, in reality, he is actually trying to attract that girl in the blue dress who he will see again only at the next function with a kid in her arms. 

At school and college reunions, these guys have a habit of taking their wallet out and checking their mobile for new messages again and again. Wallets are chosen carefully so that when opened, all credit cards are displayed properly. Only he knows that the outstanding amount due is forty five thousand which he will not repay anytime soon and the collection agent's  threatening call still fresh in his ears. He will take out a five-hundred rupee note and say, "No change yaar" and escape paying the bill or pick up the whole bill when there are girls around. The second option hurts him for two days.

At the mechanic shop, he will speak to the guy in English. But, he will find it difficult to understand what the waiter at the Pizza Hut said. He automatically will become  Paulo Coelho ,Shiv Khera and Chetan Bhagat's fan. He will join the Sudoku and Puzzles community on Orkut even though he has never solved a Sudoku grid completely.

 

This I'm-the-dude attitude is at its peak when a new girl is introduced to him through some common friend and there begins another round. He will begin saying, "All through my career, I have always...." as if he has two decades of experience. To impress that-posh-girl, He will put Spanish and French origin idioms as status messages on Facebook and Twitter after Googling for its meaning. Then when she asks him on chat about what it means, he will feel happy that he has made it in life.That day, he will also reveal his entrepreneurship plans to that girl and say, "I hate working under someone." 

 The real picture of his intellect comes out when you ask him to write an official email. 'Might' becomes 'mait', there is no difference between 'their' and 'there', There are three exclamation marks after every alternative line,  Grammar is a stranger and vocabulary, an enemy. When you ask him anything that's outside his narrow spectrum, he will simply say, "I'll get back to you".

- Deepak Karamungikar