Observations here and there: Corporate Dogs

Some people take their jobs and position in the corporate sector so seriously that they carry it wherever they go. I have found people say things like, ‘Mujhe mazaak samajhra kya? Mai India ke No. 1 company ka manager hun!’. Now this is exactly the kind of attitude that pisses me off. Assholes don’t realize that their job and position and respect cease to exist outside that building where he blows his seniors.

Problems begin when he tries to show off his job skills at home, especially when some relatives are around and when there is a marriage or a function, you get to see some industrial-grade douchebaggery. Simple things like, you bring vegetables, I will go for groceries and let the women shop for the clothes are given hyperbole extensions by naming this plan as ‘Division of Labor’ and five minutes are spent on explaining the concept to your grandfather who built and maintained such a large family.

At a marriage, especially when you are from the bride’s side, you are very tired at the end of the day and are searching for a place to sleep in the large function hall and you end up sleeping in the same corner as he is, you get constellation-fucked. When your eyelids struggle to close, he will begin his session on ‘How to make a list of goals for a career and personal life and synchronize the two to maintain an effective work-life balance’ which he would have learnt at one of those phukat-ka-chai-samosa trainings which HR conducts to keep their jobs. It takes immense courage to overcome family obligations and request him to shut the fuck up. Even when the marriage is going on, be careful not to sit beside him, for he, despite the trumpets and drums, will continue to perform fellatio on your cerebrum with his discourses on how he manages sixty people in a team and why he is the youngest manager in the country.

If you meet him soon after he has come back after a foreign trip, the disrobing of your sanity begins with sentences like  “In US/UK/Singapre, they have a.....” or “I just came back last week...” or “The weather in US/UK/Singapore is so.....” and ends only after he has orgasmed on pride that he has seen more places than you and you get mesmerized in wonder of his achievements.   

If you are travelling with one of these office obsessed obnoxious orifices, then you had it. All along, he will explain how his manager entrusts him with even the highest priority assignments like ensuring every client gets coffee when they visit, etc. He will explain how he farts on different colored excel sheets. He might also tell you how his boss wanted him a report at 2.00 am and he woke up and completed the report and slept at 5.00 and was again in office at 9.00.

Someone should tell such people that work is only a part, albeit important, it shouldn’t eclipse the the better part of your life. Its impact must end the moment you step out of the office. Even if you are a Vice-president or chairman or whatever, it hardly matters to your relatives and friends. What matters is that you should remember that your position and designation does not give you an erection.

-        -   Deepak Karamungikar