How to survive review meetings.

Let's admit. Nobody enjoys review meetings inside those stuffy conference rooms which are the only places  in the offices where coffee is served to you on the table. We go there because we have to. And whether it is internal meeting or an external client visiting, often...almost everytime, only thing you do is wait for it to end. But those hours you spend inside are the most depressing ones. And if you are not prepared and haven't done your work properly, your ass becomes a charity home. However, take a look at these ideas on how you can survive a review meeting if you aren't prepared.

• Choose a place where you are least likely to be seen by the big boss
• When it is your turn and you have no clue about what to speak, use these fillers to start your sentences which are highly effective and will most likely convince others that you are with them
• Yeah, in fact if you try to look at....
• I'm just thinking aloud...
• What is critical right now...
• See, that's what...you know...going foward...I mean...
• If you look at the larger scheme of things
• Actually, there are a lot of pain points
• If you notice, these few pieces of rhetorical shit that you often hear can be suffixed with anything. For example, 'See, that's what...you know...going forward...I mean...Sheela cannot stay Jawaan forever'
• Always keep writing something or the other in the free notepad given to you. This will give an impression that you are listening and noting down 'Actionable Items' but actually are penning down some brilliant ideas...in fact this blog post was written in a review meeting. :-D
• If you have ever seen a Qawwali performance, after the lead singer sings a line, there are a couple of chorus singers sitting behind him who repeat that line with great intensity as they clap. That's exactly what you are supposed to do after your boss speaks
• Whenever you find someone looking at you as they speak, shake your head in acceptance.
• Notice the expressions of the top management as they express concerns. They are all great actors. Some of them can match up to the level of Om Puri and Naseeruddin Shah.
• Volunteer to adjust the ever-failing projectors and press the wrong button. You can waste time until the right image setting is up.
• If you are presenting, prepare a large ppt which they will anyway ask you to take it up offline and you are temporarily relieved
• If your friend calls and you have to speak to him, just say...'Oh....Shit...I HAVE TO take this call' and walk out of the room with an expression of a man who has lost his testicles. Return after ten minutes. Nobody is bothered what happened. This call can ideally be faked by putting your phone in silent mode when they are looking out for someone who will volunteer for writing the 'Minutes of the meeting'
• And last but not the least, 'Keep your boss close. But his boss, closer'.

- Deepak Karamungikar