Friday, July 30, 2010

How to spot an MBA

It is very easy to spot an MBA. Follow the steps and bingo!
  1. Ask him about his college, He will call it INSTI
  2. Ask him about his teachers, He will call them PROFS
  3. Ask him to get into an auto-rickshaw, he will call it a RICK
  4. Ask him about good habits, he will call it BEST PRACTICES
  5. Ask him about his consent, he will call it BUY-IN
  6. Ask him about his strengths, he will call it CORE COMPETENCIES
  7. Ask him about his work, he will call it DELIVERABLES
  8. Ask him about any industry, he will call it ECO SYSTEM
  9. Ask him about what his company doesn't offer, he will call it END TO END
  10. Ask him for minor details, he will call it GRANULARITY
  11. Someone wants to give him a warning, he will say HEADS UP
  12. To take advantage means, LEVERAGE
  13. Ask him if he's involved too, he will say I'M IN THE LOOP
  14. When he has no answer, he will say, LETS TAKE IT UP OFFLINE
  15. When he has no idea of what's happening in his company, he would say, THERE'S A SHIFT OF PARADIGM
  16. When he wants people to work for him, he says, YOU HAVE TO BE PROACTIVE
  17. When he has a difference of opinion, he is asked to SYNERGIZE
  18. When he wants to get in touch again, he says, I'LL TOUCH BASE
  19. If he is attending a cocktail party, it means it is a WIN WIN situation
  20. When something is not available in Begum Bazaar, he calls it WORLD CLASS
  21. When he explains his love problems to friends, he will use a SWOT ANALYSIS
  22. Any problem in life after an MBA is called a BOTTLENECK
  23. He thinks everything including domestic help's absence can be solved by a CASE STUDY APPROACH
  24. For calculating 2 x 4, he will use EXCEL and color the first row and bold the letters
  25. When his wife keeps the house clean and cooks well, that day he will call it TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT
  26. When someone asks him, what is work-life balance, he will say, it is NULL AND VOID
  27. If you ask him, was your decision of doing an MBA right? he will reply, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU
- Deepak Karamungikar

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Hyderabadi Movie Titles

Yesterday on Twitter, I started a topic called Hyderabadi Movie Titles. Here a list that came up in the process. 
  1. Pirates of the Chatrinaka
  2. King Koti Kong
  3. Sleepy Howla
  4. The Curious Case of Baghlingampally
  5. The last of the Mehdipatnams
  6. The Chronicles of Narayanguda
  7. Harry Potter and the prisoner of Chanchalguda
  8. Harry Potter and the Charminar of secrets
  9. The Wizard of Osmania
  10. The Shamshabad Redemption
  11. The Garden of NTR
  12. The Man With the Golden Yedzi
  13. Dr. Nakko
  14. Dilkushs are forever
  15. Koti Koti Bang Bang
  16. Pride and Punjagutta
  17. V for Vanasthalipuram
  18. The fellowship of the ringroad
  19. The devil wears Fantoosh 
  20. Bridge over the river Musi
  21. The Maltese Falaknuma
  22. Hussain's Travels
  23. Silence of the Lamba
  24. Womens college on top
  25. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Gandipet
  26. Baagh-E-Jurrasic
  27. The hound of Barkatpura
You are welcome to add more!

You can follow me on twitter @deepak_narrates

- Deepak Karamungikar

Monday, July 19, 2010

Movies and Emotions

Every movie that you watch is actually a two and half hour affair with your emotions. It depends on the film-maker how impassioned that affair turns out to be. When a movie hits the theater, a diverse audience watches it and each one of them comes out with a different opinion. If someone likes the direction, someone finds flaws with it. If someone finds the acting good, someone will compliment the cinematography. This is beacuse no two people think alike. And that, is the beauty of humanity. 
 
The other day, I saw INCEPTION. When the  climax scene ended and the credit ''Story -Screenplay - Direction - Christopher Nolan' was shown, involuntarily, I had tears in my eyes and my hands went up in the air offering a 'Grand Namaskara' to the brilliant man. A large section of the theater including me, gave a standing ovation at the end credits. I don't remember when that happened last time.My friend Varun told me that the last time he noticed such a thing was for 'A Wednesday' - a classic indeed.We whistle, dance, throw papers, rockets, scream and create a ruckus. But standing ovation? That's what is called class. B-grade directors like Karan Johar, Sajid Khan, Farha Khan, Harry Baweja etc. may never be able to make such a movie in their lifetime. I don't think they will be able to even copy such movies properly. 

When I was watching 3 dumbfucks, sorry 3 idiots with my friend, I was pissed with that scene where Amir Khan delivers a baby. It was a hideous unnecessary scene which went wrong pathetically and to my surprise, two young guys sitting beside me started crying and tears rolled out uncontrollably. Neither was there any class in that scene, nor was there any directorial talent. It was just misused freedom of creativity. Also, my film-maker friend  Pavan Atukuri rightly pointed out, what were the girls of that college doing when that delivery took place? It just played around with emotions of the cannot-think-for-myself Indian viewer - 'Kamyaab nahi, Kaabil banne ke liye padho' and 'if you pursue excellence, success is bound to follow' were the two things that made the movie run. Just the way a Shiv Khera or a Robin Sharma's self-help book becomes popular. 

When I was in the IXth Standard, a movie called Prema Desam released and it had brilliant music by A R Rahman. I know of people who watched that movie in theater for over 70 times. When the 'Mustafa Mustafa' song came, college students in the theater would form a train and go around the balcony in Sangeet theater. It captured the emotions of the entire school and college going population of AP and TN.  Boys and Girls started falling in love more than ever. Even more than  they did after Ek Duje Ke Liye released. Every guy wanted to get a Abbas-haircut or a Mushroom cut. The number of smokers in high schools and colleges increased by over 50%. Jeans officially became the dress-code of the young generation and  for the next five years, farewell parties across AP, wouldn't end without playing 'Mustafa Mustafa' and lighting candles. The movie, again is a play on the minds of the until-then conservative youngsters and glorified smoking, girlfriends, platonic relationships and so on. It released and suddenly, we all were one generation ahead. This was what the film-maker, I'm sure had imagined while making this movie. And was he successful? He sure was. 

Well these were just few examples.

Also, 70% of the people have no opinion of their own and hence, are most vulnerable to external influence and this vulnerability is exploited by smart directors like Raju Hirani, Vishal Bharadwaj, S S Rajamouli and a few others. But they are nowhere near being called great. Greatness  lies  in for creating a character like Don Corleone in The Godfather and show him stare at his son for a mistake, a stare that could induce suicide. It lies in showing  a blind Al Pacino make that  climax speech in Scent of a Woman. It lies in showing an old man obsessed with music die by it  in Sankarabharanam. It lies in showing the chemistry between a couple who have agreed to divorce but can't live separately in Mounaraagam. It is what takes to show Clint Eastwood as Blondie in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. It lies in accentuating Morgan Freeman's class and showing him as Nelson Mandela. And greatness also lies in these actors who perform just the way the director wants them to. 

It is up to us to decide whether we want to watch mediocrity and douchebaggery from third rate undeserving movie makers or we want to relish some real class and let the film maker have a blast while they're, like i said, having an affair with our emotions. 

- Deepak Karamungikar

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Side Effects of Globalization

Open door economic policy has brought in many foreign companies into India. This has resulted in higher spending rates among the working class Indians. I appreciate the fact that it helps our economy, we evolve, etc. Apart from the great things about globalization, there are a few things which irk me to the bones. I thought I'd share some of these fucktarded practices that are rampant these days. 
  • Multiplex Culture: I will not talk about the movie ticket prices but, look at everything else. I am not being a communist here, but think about it. Rs. 100 for popcorn? Fuck off. Rs. 50 for a soft drink? Double fuck off.  Rs. 25 for water bottle. I have no words. I have abandoned BIG Cinemas for the same reason. They don't allow water bottles from outside. even if it is bought at the Big Bazaar which is just under its ass. Just in case, If someone's choking to death in BIG cinemas, you will have to go get a water bottle for Rs. 25 and then give it to him, if he stays alive by that time. Also, common water fountains are not available. And the crap that you eat there and no water will cause constipation which you will suffer from anyway because of movies from K Faggot Jo, Ranbir P Kapoor, Plastic Kaif and Uday maximum-one-week-run Chopra. 
  • Shopping Malls: I would define a shopping mall as 'a place where most people spend money which they in the first place didn't deserve to buy things that they hardly need and satiate a desire that never was worth it'. Branded clothes are OK. My problem is with the accessories. In a Levi's store, a Jeans, a Shirt,  a Belt and a bag (very dirty one) cost almost the same.  How on earth is that possible? The other day, I saw socks that cost Rs. 900 a pair. Even if I had a million, I wouldn't buy that pair. Also, it is not even possible to show them off! Guys, I think this haphazard pricing is a scathing remark on anybody's intelligence.
  • Stupid Restaurants: Concept restaurants are a sure way of money burning. I am not talking of the high end multi-cuisine restaurants - let them be. I am talking about the K Fucking Cs of the world. What kind of a restaurant is the one in which even after spending 500 rs, you go back home unsatisfied and on the way back home secretly eat Pani Puri for 20 rs so that at least your stomach is full? The No. 1 dumbfuck restaurant in my opinion is MAMUs. It is one sure way of making MAMUs out of you by passing off pakodas as some kind of Malaysian Crap. Second is the Mc Donalds. Why? Blandest food. Causes Constipation. I hate 400 ml of soft drink and your bloody tasteless burger is shit compared to would-have-been Sania Mirza's Universal Bakery's burger. In all my visits to KFC, I have never come out satisfied. Your corn flour coated chicken (?) aka Original bullcrap Recipie sucks.  And nothing can beat the so called dumbfuck COMBO offers in retardedness.  Rice + chicken+ coke combo is like having having Himesh Reshamiya and Asha Bhosle sing in the same song. The Pizza parade - Dominos, Pizza Hut and Pizza Corner also join the league of extraordinarily dumb restaurants. Bad taste. No matter what you do, Pizza and soft drinks for two will never be below Rs. 400/-. Pizza Den near Paradise, Secunderabad sells GREAT pizzas for one-third the price and his ice-cream will almost drown you. In any case, for just 120 bucks, I'd go to Astoria hotel, RTC X Roads and eat a SPICY HOT Biryani and be super satisfied. 
  • Supermarkets: We shop here because we are all super fools paying 20% more for things we don't need. Did you notice that the 200gm, 1/2 kg, 1kg packs of anything are mostly out of stock and only the 2kg and above packs are available? Well, it is designed so. You are being forced to buy more and stock it in your home. And you anyway won't use more than what you need. At one point, you will throw the rest away and get another super-large pack of packaged bullshit. Convenience is a factor I admit they  draw me to them, but answer this - why should anyone need a 1 kg box of Kurkure? This is what is called super-chutiyagiri of supermarkets. 
  • Gaming Zones: Gaming Zones are places where girlfriendless/boyfriendless guys of all ages bunk college/school waste dad's money in futile fictitious gunfights, smoke cigarettes, abuse each other online and offline, learn new swear words and come back the next day and continue until one day exam results are out. Bowling Alleys, fuck no what an absolute waste of money. 200 bucks, 6 chances? Boy do we realize we have wisdom very scarcely scattered?
  • Coffee Shops: This is my pet peeve. Though the basic coffee here is great and many of my important meetings were held at these coffee shops, I detest their Menus. I can't resist the anguish that's filled in me and urges me to complain. Last time, at Cafe Coffee Day, since it was a hot day, I had a cold drink which tasted like Rooh Afza.  I still don't understand why you have Samosa on your Menu. There are enough Marwadi sweet shops which sell Samosas. Also, the waiters ask derogatory questions like "Would you like to add Whipped Cream?" every time you order coffee.
All said, this a list which can go on. I only feel that one should pay only what the product deserves and not pay for their a/c, lighting and fund the owner's expensive car.


- Deepak Karamungikar

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Letter to Late Dr. Y S Rajasekhar Reddy


To,
Late Dr. Y S Rajasekhar Reddy
Swarg Avenue,
Heaven.

Dear Sir,

On the eve of your 61st birth anniversary, the first thing I can say is, 'I wish you were alive'. Although I am not a Congress supporter by any means, I have had immense amount of respect for you and still do. Andhra Pradesh, the name which was once synonymous with peace, harmony  and happiness is now nowhere close to being called 'Swarna Andhra Pradesh' - the golden AP you had dreamed of.  I am sure from somewhere above, you are watching what transpired in our homeland after the unexpected and severely shocking event of your demise. 


 It pains me the way things have turned to be in my city and my state at large. You must be aware of the riots that took place during the struggle for the separate state of Telangana. So many men, especially students died, many immolated themselves. And in most cases, they were the only hope for their family. I admit that, neither do I have the intellect to have an opinion on the need for a separate state nor do I fully know the facts. I only know that lives were lost, properties were destroyed, immolation took place, exams got postponed, businesses lost, APSRTC raised fares to cover for losses. My favorite egg-dosa thela from Kukatpally, I hear escaped to his native village in coastal Andhra because of the riots. In your absence, institutions offering IIT foundation classes from 6th Standard are growing faster than the speed at which leaders exit from Praja Rajyam Party. And above all this, a GREAT divide was created between people of different regions of your Andhra Pradesh. Sir, I am sure, if you were alive, all this would never have happened. 


After you were gone, we wasted at least 20 days in Bandhs, Strikes and other such forms of unproductive demonstrations. If you were here and would have gestured a finger on lips, things would have been different. Another thing that pisses me off is the traffic police of Hyderabad. They are present around every corner of every road to drill a hole in our pockets on some pretext or the other. Are they feeling like a teenager whose parents have gone out of town? This never happened when you were here. While the traffic cops are busy filling their pockets, let me also tell you that there is no progress in traffic situation from Punjagutta to Paradise. It has gone worse since the launch of Tata Nano. It still takes 1 hour on non-rainy days and upto 3 hours on rainy days. The other day, even your dream venture - the 108 ambulance got stuck in Punjagutta traffic.


The Secunderabad MLA and the Hyderabad city mayor are at loggerheads.  The TRS chief and the Vijayawada MP exchange pleasantries on a regular basis. The Telugu news channels have gone insane - they have a two hour programme on how men climb cell phone towers to prove their love, half hour interview of a man who killed an MLA and hardly any mention of RK Laxman's hospitalization. However, how would they know who RK Laxman is anyway?


You were like that strict school principal whose mere presence invented the term, "pin drop silence".  But now, after your exit from this world, even the Manikchand gutkha eating erstwhile actress has started talking violence here. Since your loss is irreparable, I will not complain more as all such attempts will prove to be futile. Many places where I have been to, people have put up your laminated and framed photographs on the walls of their homes, shops and offices. This speaks volumes of the space you had occupied in their hearts. 


Your leadership skills were unmatched and most importantly, your presence made everyone stand up on their toes and a few others keep their lips sealed until further notice.  And that is the Siamese twin of management, control. And control, is what is missing today. The only other man who is capable of most of the above is your old friend Sri N Chandrababu Naidu. Our next best option. 


Finally, I have one more thing to say to you - Andhra Pradesh needs HELP. When you meet God,  please let him know. 

Happy Birthday Sir.

- Deepak Karamungikar

P S: I don't support any political party. They are all the same. It is some individuals who make the difference.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Education? Huh.

The whole of last month, results of different entrance examinations were announced and the next day, wherever you looked, all you could see was advertisements of these educational institutions with results. There are students who score 98.3%. This is something unimaginable for someone like me who barely ever got into the 70s. I have an innocent 17 year old geek neighbor who got a epic scolding from his father for scoring only 84% in his plus 2 exams. His father, I'm sure couldn't have even got a first class in his life. Whatever be the case, with this kind of pressure, it is these kids who lose out even before they start their career. To find a 12th grader who knows careers beyond engineering is like finding an honest auto-rickshaw driver in Chennai. 

I am not sure who is to be blamed for this, but these corporate colleges who teach for 14 hours a day and give a 18 hour homework have a huge role to play in mass production of losers in our country, especially in Andhra Pradesh. Seriously, If you sit for twelve hours on a wooden bench caged inside a building, one thing you are most likely to get is Piles. And  they charge about a lakh and a half for two years of this jail. In AP, one need not struggle too  much to become an engineer. You just have to be present for the entrance exam and darken a few circles. There are more seats available in colleges than the number of engineers we actually need.

This doesn't really mean that there shouldn't be focus on studies. Academics are the backbone of anybody's career. They are so damn important. But people overdo it. I knew of someone who fed her son while he studied. He wasn't even allowed to take a break. He never scored higher than 60%. He now runs a general store and a daily finance business. He does well though. But even today, his mother regrets he couldn't become an engineer. 

While I rest this case here, there is another set of great parents who get sold to horse-shit  like International Schools. Fraud businessmen with loads of black money  buy  land outside the city, construct a huge air-conditioned facility and start a so-called International School, charge 2 lakhs a year for Kindergarten and make more money. In the mean while, they teach the same A B C D as they teach in any other school. A/c bus, A/c class, A/c toilet and five star hotel like facilities everywhere make the students habituated to one kind of lifestyle. How does it really impact his learning? I have no idea.  And once he comes out of this luxurious Cockaigne into the real world, you have another depressed loser ready.

Unsuspecting parents get sold to the Einstein ads, 'International facilities' and the fake hype that's built around these schools. In my opinion, these futile international schools serve only one purpose - consumption of existing black money and its conversion to white both by the owners and the parents who send their kids to a Rs. 2 lakh a year kindergarten. This more than what I spent for my MBA. 

What is needed is a fine balance between these two extremes. Neither it should be a piles-inducing 14 hour grind everyday, nor should it be too many prodigalities when the kid is young. The former ones end up in Ameerpet for IT courses and the later ones end up in Pubs. As they say in Sanskrit, आती सर्वत्र वर्ज्यते. which means, "Excess is condemnable everywhere". 


- Deepak Karamungikar

Friday, July 2, 2010

Rain: What does it mean?

It rained in Hyderabad yesterday. In fact it lashed out. A long awaited shower was finally here. But, on my way back home, as I got drenched, I saw how life changed for a few hours for many. Rain means different things for different people. For me, it is a futile exercise because it causes traffic jams, clogs roads, spoils my clothes. But that's a selfish thought.

Rain brings smiles to many and frowns to a few. 
  • For a farmer, it is hope.
  • For a poet, it is an inspiration. 
  • For a teenager, it is joy. 
  • For the roasted corn seller, it means more business. 
  • For the municipal worker, it means more work. 
  • For a slum dweller, it means a leaking roof.
  • For the homeless pauper, it is misery.
  • For the romanticist, it is pleasure. 
  • For a kid, it means no play. 
  • For a glutton, it means craving for hot food.
  • For a middle class man, it means soiled clothes. 
  • For an office-goer, it means a long ride back home.
  • For a rich man, it makes no difference. 
  • For the retired person, it is a different sight from his window. 
  • For a lover, it is an enticer. 
  • For a newlywed, it is a stimulator.
  • For a voyeur, it brings gratification. 
  • For a timberman, it means a new wait for sunshine.
  • For a dead man, it means a delayed funeral. 
- Deepak Karamungikar

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Human Stupidity





Note: Contains explicit content. Discretion advised. Click on every image to zoom

Human Stupidity is limitless. It is bigger than anything that we can ever imagine. One of the sources of entertainment for me has been browsing through the 'Answers' section of Yahoo.  You get to see the dumbest, stupidest, weird, retarded,ignorant and sometimes out of the box questions being asked by people around the world. This is what I found in the recent times.

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8. Immaculate research has led to the most epic question of all time.......

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- Deepak Karamungikar

Screenshots taken from answers.yahoo.com